Calm down, Megyn Kelly.

Why? How would him being not white change anything?

I have recurring fears that I’ve jumped into a timeline with which I’m not fully compatible. No greater evidence has presented itself than the fact that there’s a proxy war between neo-nazis and regular people over the copyright of a cartoon frog.

You really think the alt right is the product of people who had to do chores growing up?

These guys have never had any real responsibilities in their lives.

Now I need a twitter account detailing the fictional writing desks of famous authors. Emerson’s is just a pile of leaves next to a pond. Mary Shelley’s is her mother’s grave. Ayn Rand writes on the back of Paul Ryan, who considers it an honor.

A more fitting punishment is to tell them they are getting 5 years probation and then jail them for a year. That would be a great reaction vid.

This! And the second the White House says something against this, which you know they will, the dems need to immediately start hammering them with, “I thought you cared about working families.” “Don’t working families matter to you?” “Isn’t this one of Ivanka’s most important intiatives?” “Were you lying when you said…

obligatory

Charcoal is wonderful, but you know what else is pretty good? Turning a knob, pressing a button, and having a hot grill ten minutes later and then not having to deal with a cauldron of ashes a couple hours after the meal. That’s decent, too.

interrobang (noun): How James Bond gets information from female enemy agents.

If you want to get real specific, it’s actually “The xx”.

Depends which child you’re speaking about....

Calling them the only good twitter account is just a slap in the face to the only other good twitter account, @dogrates.

OH MY FUCK A BOWL OF PUPPIES AGHSFHKADFKLHADSFLHQWEGHEWRGLHK

Was that house decorated by a blind clown?

That certainly wouldn’t be a scandal, but the actual number was $500 million, or half a billion dollars.

I’m confused. Did she mean “jk, I know it would take a lot more than this to get you put down your DraftKings app” or “jk, I know Jezebel readers don’t participate in such things”? I want to be offended about something today and I need to know which way to play this.

If I ever marry, my wedding will be spy-themed. Guests dressed in trench coats, or like James Bond, Mata Hari, Emma Peel, Spy vs. Spy etc. Everyone will get miniature cameras and pens with invisible ink to write in the guest book and we’ll only serve the signature drinks of famous spies

Yes, but it’s a secret.