I haven’t been this distraught since Pol Pot died.

I hope it was his pinning arm. 

Don’t worry, guys.  I found a matching thumb donor.  From one Drew to another.

And now Dallas knows Washington’s game plan to run 55 times from the I-formation.

If they rewind the video far enough they will see when Johnny Manziel snuck the jersey into the museum in the first place.

Y'know, I thought I had mono once for an entire year. Turns out I was just really bored.

Not the Antonio Brown come back story I expected.

Five bucks says the Patriots knew about this. Five more says the Raiders didn't.

I’m not sure I’d want to see Intergluteal Cleft opening for anyone.

This read like a article in an anthropological journal about some uncontacted tribe in the Amazon. 

Unless you work in porn.

“That’s like re-segregating the country, why would we want that? Besides of course the reasons Tucker Carlson and I lay out every night.”

Waited for my hand to go to sleep! Takes forever. I have the circulation of a healthy ten year old professional swimmer. 

His son could tell you that unhealthy scratches are worse.

Derrius can handle those 12.

Browns fans have tempered expectations down to only going 15-1.

“Dolphins head coach Brian Flores declared on Friday, ‘I have a good team.’”

Most people who actually pay attention/work in employment seem to agree the unemployment rate is unnaturally depressed at the moment, as well. So many people are underemployed, working part time, or have dropped out of the job market entirely, the unemployment rate is almost meaningless.

When I was 4, I peed my pants during a T-Ball game because I was sure my cup would hold it in. Wouldn’t have been such a big deal had it not been before the game had even started and I wasn’t standing next to the park bathrooms. The cup had holes in it too... Things haven’t gotten much better since then

I get where he’s coming from. If there’s one thing Russians hate it’s unfairly trying to dictate the outcome of what should be a impartial process.