“It’s like a... just like a [burp] fucking boar in a Chinese shop, you know what I mean?”

Warren Sapp get his balls deflated and he goes to jail? Horrendous double standard.

Can’t believe I starred a Wenis joke.

Kids today, with their black uniforms and their hip hop music and their Snapchat and their pistol offenses...

Rub some dirt on it

For all their inhumane and despicable actions, the NFL’s tribute to Mark Kelso was a nice touch.

The Mets are like a North Korean Ballistic Missle.

At first you’re like: “wow, look how high that’s going, for sure that will reach Seoul and blow the imperialist collaborators to pieces.”

But inevitably after like 25 seconds you’re like: “Oh fuck! get the fuck out of the way!! KIM!! here it com-”

Mets = Unha-3

Like sexual intercourse between two humans, Baseball is a game of rhythm and inches. Your greatest adversaries are your own mind and body. Both may include spitting.

There once was a man from Nantucket

“Lose some weight, baby girl.”

It’s the 1600 meters, not the 1600 mee-ters, son.

uhhhhh...no, you put it in a pipe and light it, dumbshit

A video, in honor of what is one of the greatest Deadspin comments in memory.

Hey Captain! Open up! We've got to install these microwave ovens!

This is the most horrifying ISIS video yet.

[hurls my head through my desk with enough force that it creates a new sun for a picosecond]

Those Benson quotes would have been much more reassuring if he hadn't delivered them to a house plant.

Probably didn't help that prior to the play Wilson kept chanting "and this too shall pass...and this too shall pass."

Mostly all I ever hear is people wanting Steve to go the fuck away! I support this movement!