I miss the loss by loss articles. How else will I know when they lose their 91st game? Certainly not by watching Cardinals baseball.

Harper Jerked 9th Longest Dong in 2017 MLB Season

Not a single “dong” in this post.

He’ll be back just in time to help the Astros lose in the playoffs.

And they would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

Before you feel to bad for these living fossils. Here are it’s buzzsaw mouth parts that bore into the victims.

Good for him. That’s all I’ve got. Everybody deserves a good day every once in a while.

I can’t wait for the movie version where there’s a secret meeting in an dark underground parking garage with KatyPerrysBootyHole in a raspy voice saying, “Follow the Wet Butt”.

Man, Ken Rosenthal really needs a publishing platform ...

Hang on. How is it possible that my two favorite craft beers broke the Quintana trade?

Not many people know this but KatyPerrysBootyHole is actually Tim Kurkjian

I’m fucking dying that that correction is real life. Who says journalism is dead?

All kidding aside, how does somebody hit .211 in the and lead somebody to say, “Well we’ve gotta see what he’s got in the next level”?

In related news, Tebow finally made contact with someone else’s genitals.

... although he was kind enough to sign the ball for Brustman

I wonder how black locker room dildos feel about playing in Boston.

Whitley and Cheslor are the perfect aristocratic and most forever Royal names.

So what you are telling me is that you are an actual fan of the team, not a fan of the fans, making you, therefore, one of the best fans in baseball.

Jesus. What did he do to permanently mess up your back, if you don’t mind my asking?

I’m married to an ex-football player who played through college.