Why couldn’t the bear have eaten those people instead?

Canada: That nice kid who occasionally does weird things that are irrationally upsetting. Stop eating ketchup chips, you goddamn spaz. I promise you they do something as strange as cutting up hotdogs and dipping them in ranch, and we just haven’t found that out yet.

How dare deadspin publish a post by Mr. Petchesky, with his slavic sounding name, on this, the 5th anniversary of the Ljubljana Marshes hot air balloon crash in Slovenia. I am aghast at the insensitivity.

Well now I hope bad things happen to the Cleveland Browns.

“Um...sort of.”

You know those things on the end of your arms, attached at the wrist, with digits and palms?

Shit, I just read a whole article about a guy watching a whole preseason NFL game. Knowing full well the whole time that this was the topic of the article. What the hell.

Why would you call the founding fathers pieces of shit? As Theadore Parker said, “The arc of the moral universe is long but it bends towards justice.”

That was a great impression of David Price in October.

Nonono, not Lee. Nathan Bedford Forrest.

“...he had eaten five banana splits backstage and had to take a dump.”

How much longer until Deadspin starts covering eScorts?

I just can’t get over how stupid/arrogant/cheap you have to be not to spend $80 on prepaid phone.

Lucky for this bar brawling, boob-grabbing domestic abuser that he didn’t take a knee during the anthem, or his career would be over.

A close call, I think we can all agree.

Cumin is definitely better than not cumin, but sometimes people fake it.

my fantasy is you going & fucking yourself

63 Earths can fit in Uranus.

2 days of pissing out of your ass every 5 minutes followed by 3 days of not being able to predict if that’s a fart or a shit you have brewing is truly playing the game of life on Expert difficulty.

Will handing out glasses be enough to ensure their safety? After all, 13 year old boys are warned all the time to “stop doing that or you’ll go blind” yet that doesn’t seem to stop them.