The constant penalties are bad enough, but when you add in the "automatic first down" it becomes a complete joke.

Ahh yes, the thumb nose-pick. Convince yourself that you're only scratching the outer part of the nostril when everyone knows what you're really up to.

My parents had a different system in place. They called it, "let us know where the hell you are or tonight is the last night you'll be going out until you're 18."

I'm assuming limes are ranked so high because of their usefulness in cocktails and cooking, because they're wretched as a hand fruit.

Someone gets paid millions for the ads that show grown men as bumbling idiots who are incapable of operating a spoon without burning the entire neighborhood to the ground.

Well sure, where better to vomit than a place destined to be thoroughly cleansed by God every few years.

Jeez, 3.7 liters of water per day? Should I ask to have my computer mounted above a urinal?

I love it when NFL teams force draftees to attend 50,000 interviews and then mark a player down if he dares to express frustration with the process. "How dare you not subject yourself to my interrogation! I MADE A SPECIAL TRIP."

But the sanctity of the uniform! We can't do such a thing.

I haven't bought a package of hamburger buns in years, and this is the only reason I even have english muffins in my home.

Tom seems disappointed.

Let's not go any further than we need to here - Mike Florio is an idiot.

She set the bar awfully, AWFULLY high in The Mask, but if my future wife looked like that in 14 years, I'd be pretty happy about it.

"Sex Tape: You'll catch bits and pieces of it on HBO in a few months".

This entire thing is stupid, just like trying to turn the All-Star Game into something that matters. I think Wainwright's gesture to Jeter was a good one, but there was really no need for him to let everyone else in on it. Do the guy a favor if you want to, but leave it at that.

If you're the kind of person who steals someone else's food from a shared refrigerator, you should go to prison for life.

That was the "Cinderella" example I was going to use as well, except in that case Cinderella was ugly and nobody could have possibly fallen in love with them.

That's certainly fair, but there's also a rather large group of people who can't wait to tell you how stupid and boring soccer is. If you don't like it, that's fine, but you could just shut up about it instead of being obnoxious. That road definitely goes both ways.

I'm sure he was in a rush to go complain about something.

Oh, you.