Chic and slimming? You must be blessed with either a) no hips, b) no ass, c) both of the above and/or d) an exceedingly short torso.

In any or all of the above cases, enjoy mopping the floor of public restrooms with your couture.

I love jumpsuits too. But I'm scarred for life after taking one off to pee and somehow getting one of the sleeves in the toilet. Alcohol may or may not have been involed. I don't remember.

ah, when I see "presentation" I think PowerPoint but yours makes more sense.

Do you smell that? Rarer then white violets, it is the sanctified odor of Universal Justice.

Evidently I have way too much time on my hands today, but what the hell: I'm not too worried about Marie. For some reason, that photo says, "Oh, nobody needs to have any concerns about me and The Money at all. I'm a single Mom of 4 kids, one of whom is afflicted with cerebral palsy, and we've all made it this far."…

GUHHHHHHHHHHHH, I just bought two pairs of shoes (wanna see?), but I NEED those boots. Clearly I need more brown shoes. My ratio is off.

You've thought about this a bit, haven't you?

Just purge Facebook from your life. Problem solved in one, easy step.

Maybe we shouldn't set ourselves up as arbiters of who is more deserving to win, but damn if I'm not gonna do it anyway. This lady had to work some really crappy jobs to make ends meet and has a child with special needs whose life is going to be made so much better now. It's almost like the universe is trying to…

... seriously? oh my god, this sends me from SOMETIMES THE WORLD IS A GOOD PLACE to EVERYBODY IS AWFUL in like three seconds.

Falkor the Love Dragon was the name of my first pet dog.

I won EIGHT DOLLARS in that Powerball drawing, which I invested in a very delicious beer. Try to contain your jealousy.

Couldn't agree more.

FUCK YES THIS IS WONDERFUL

Oh, man, four children? Single? Cerebral palsy? She needs this. I hope this changes her life in so many ways. I'm getting giddy just thinking about the relief she's probably feeling. I hope she buys a huge home in the Caribbean with a live in nurse and her own personal house boy, and only let's immediate,…

Sometimes the universe isn't a complete fuck up

Aw, this is fabulous! I hope she gets herself something nice too, because honestly—was she chosen as a POSTER CHILD for cliche, shitty jobs? Like, she works at McDonalds: ok. She works at Walmart: ok.

BUT BOTH?

Girl. You deserve every cent of that. Every GD cent.

Hippos kill more humans than any other animal in Africa! I think you know what that means:

start working on your heron costume.

Seriously. Have you ever seen what they can do to marbles when they're hungry? It's not pretty.