Two things jumped out at me:

My husband had to restrain me at a Disney World counter-service restaurant, where we waited in line to order for FIFTEEN MINUTES, and the people in front of me STILL had to lingeringly peruse the menu board which had been plainly visible to them for FIFTEEN MINUTES (did I mention we’d all been standing in front of it…

I’m a little late but here goes. I worked in a Gay Dennys in Arizona and soon after gay marriage became legal, I had the most adorable elderly couple of men, one white, one black. They were seated at the counter and had on these beautiful leis. I asked if I could feel the real flowers and asked what the occasion was.…

I used to work at Starbucks, most often opening with a supervisor. One cold winter Canadian morning, I arrive to open and my supervisor is not there. I wait a little then call her, repeatedly, with no answer. Now I only live about 3 blocks away, so I could walk home, but I don’t want to be accused of leaving or not…

“Near the end of my lustrous career I had a drive-through customer who asked for his coffee “stirred twice clockwise, three times counter-clockwise, and four times clockwise.””

Apology pizzas should definitely be a thing. There’s a website where you can order a glitter bomb sent to people who’ve wronged you, why not a website where you can order a pizza sent to someone you’ve wronged?

we do it all for the fans

i mean

@Damon Wayans

SHE IS 21

True Beanie Baby story: a friend’s child had quite the collection and they were arrayed neatly on special shelves around her room. A visitor innocently asked “where did you get the bat one?” WHAT BAT ONE?!?!? It was a real bat (and a big one) snugged side by side with pink and blue fuzzies on either side. Cue much…

I don't think J.Lo would not be the star she is today. There, I said it.

"But I want to get married!"

lol my mom was with my dad for like 7 years and my dad was complaining about a friend who wouldn't ask his gf to marry him and my dad goes 'I mean, just shit or get off the pot!' and my mom goes 'YEAH, SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT. ARE WE GETTING MARRIED OR WHAT??'

"Can we just get a pretzel instead?" Allen asked. "You like pretzels."

He has a ridiculous number of requirements we have to meet before we can tie the knot and live happily ever after: He wants us to be financially stable, living in a nicer apartment and ready for children. He also wants me to be a better housekeeper, keep a regular sleeping schedule and raise my credit score from the…

I'm seriously considering leaving my long-term boyfriend over his refusal to even discuss getting married, except in the most abstract terms, not unlike Allen here. I really don't fucking know what to do. One the one hand, I really, truly, deeply love my boyfriend. On the other hand, it's really important to me to get…

MORIARTY’S SCHOOL OF OBTAINING FUCK BOIZ

Rihanna treats Drake like I treat my one neighbor who always has coke but constantly complains about his ex gf.

During a recent transaction, an elderly woman handed me a twenty and said, with eyes a’twinklin’ “Did you hear they might put a woman on the 20 dollar bill? I’d love to see that before I go...” And then we both melted into a puddle of feelings.