These are all very good songs.

I NEVER THOUGHT PAYING IT FORWARD PIZZA WOULD MAKE ME CRY SAD TEARS BUT HERE I AM, CRYING. OVER PIZZA GENEROSITY, THE KINDEST GENEROSITY OF ALL.

Not to detract away from the rapes and murders because those are awful, it was nice to read that she was heard by the authorities and the judge didn't just throw her into prison and that the system worked for her. I super fucking needed that today.

Bastard.

That must have been one very, VERY boring game if the announcers are commenting on people in the stands who, themselves, are not paying attention to the game.

Well, obviously launching a physical assault on any business is not constructive, but I think the resentment long time residents might feel about a place that is clearly intended to serve the people pricing them out of their homes is understandable and not entirely unfair, independently owned or not. Those businesses…

Right? I met my boyfriend in a bar, we got drunk and talked about Lord of the Rings. Then we made out.

Under the cloak of internet anonymity, I am 100% willing to start the rumor that she simulated a sex act with a dead pig, as it seems that’s the only kind of thing that really hurts people’s images anymore.

I have no tits and I’m very small framed like a small, feisty, poorly behaved child.

oh sure when this guy makes his own cheese he get 1.2 million views on youtube but when I make yogurt from the flora in my vagina everyone is all “gross” and “that’s disgusting” and “no you cannot sell this at trader joes”

“Who knew the nurses of America moved like the mob?”

Greatest tweet of all time.

bernie was sassy as fuck last night

Dude I laughed at the Mindy joke.

my favorite dumb blonde joke response is from national treasure dolly parton. when asked if dumb blonde jokes bother her, dolly said, not at all. cause first, i know i’m not dumb, and second, i know i’m not blonde.

Lohanemia

In honor of Kylie’s new hair, here’s my favorite blonde joke:

Yes. On reddit he makes a lot of noise.

Back when I was single, obvs I was trying to get laid.

I’m pretty short and I’m not at all turned off by short guys - my last boyfriend was barely 5’5”. But you know what is really unattractive? Short guys who are furious about it and think that they were betrayed by the universe, that they ought to have had some much better life than whatever disappointment they’ve…