I’m advocating for people to take a good hard look at their spouse-to-be instead of getting lost in some romantic notion that anyone can fall for anyone at any time.

I know two old codgers who are completely getting scammed for green cards by much younger (35+ years) immigrant women. I would feel a little bad, but the men are so full of braggodocio and self-confidence, talking about how their “girlfriends” are decades younger, strutting around - that I’m like “Eh. Good for the…

DARKNESS. I just got some light-blocking curtains and moved my cable modem with its annoying little lights and now my bedroom is lovely and dark.

I have been here 11 years and get 17 days of combined vacay/sicktime.

When I was a kid, we had no money and I spent the summer lying on the couch with the shades drawn reading library books. Would do again.

This is why I fucking hate everything now. Every time some dumb motherfucking asshole pops up, whether it be Sarah Palin or those Duck Dynasty shitheels or Omarosa or some Real Housewives bitch or that Real World dude who became an fuckhead congressman or worst of all Donald Fucking Trump, we know we’re going to be…

I had some fabulous tiramisu cake for dinner last night. My money, my rules.

Except if you have a fucking cat. Which is why I will never have a fucking cat again.

Except if you have a fucking cat. Which is why I will never have a fucking cat again.

Especially how you can keep tilting it and somehow magically extracting another 2 oz.

“Everything is free” should really be “Everything is free but you don’t get to decide what it is”

The Magic 8-ball says “Outlook good”

I don’t trust a guy who can’t figure out how to look at the camera when he is talking.

It’s clear. Long summer vacations are going to win. Because damn it, we all need them.

This sounds familiar, especially the bolting for the back of the store with customers yelling after you.

You should always listen to your mom. She is wise.

My worst job ever was working at a Kmart for 6 months. At least it made me decide to go to college, so it was good for something.

I didn’t know about it.

White mediocrity personified.

AND she is hilarious. She has comedic timing like NOBODY. She always slays.