Bruce: But I thought you said this was the champagne room?!

Cool story, bro.

Things have changed so much since I was a kid. We didn't have all these fancy websites a decade ago. Back then, if you had a favorite streaming artist, pretty much your only choice was Jeff Buckley.

You have got to stop asking Kentuckians these confusing questions. This time, they thought you wanted to know their favorite type of penny.

beer snobs are the worst

"It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine."

Must have felt pretty good for Howard to be in on the joke for once.

"Zero."

"America! What a country! In America, if hotel is bad, we say 'hotel is going to the dogs!'
(audience chuckles in anticipation)
But IN SOVIET RUSSIA, the dogs... OK, you wanna hear about Soviet fuckin' Russia? Sure, we had dogs. The hungry, rabid hounds of the secret fucking police, barking at us by day, gnashing their…

Great stuff, Lucy.

But did it connect with the audience? Was it magic? I'm not so sure.

Reporter: Hey Alex, just one last question- when you were out there, were you thinking about your recently deceased brother?

"Grossly intoxicated" is a little misleading considering she only drank 142 beers.

Nope, that's Chris Farley.

The US Bobsled team approached GM first, but their solution was to put a bigger engine in it.

Then they asked Ford for help, but the design they came back with had a solid beam axle in the back, for some reason.

Chrysler's sled design was also a complete failure, as it looked exactly like the last gold medal sleigh,…

The above joke was told to me by President Obama. I'm close personal friends with President Barack Obama, and he told me that joke. "Put this on Deadspin," he said to me. "You're an approved commenter, I don't want this buried down in the pending comments. This is a good joke. No, I can't post it myself, you idiot,…

ANALYST 1: [Reads; chuckles]
ANALYST 2: What is it, Vladi?
ANALYST 1: Obtaining these deep-sleep-pattern records from that player's device... it was... a good idea.
ANALYST 2: Oh? Good for ours?
ANALYST 1: Well, if these are to be believed, the Americans have all been injured at some time recently.
ANALYST 2: Everybody?
ANA…

Obviously this was fake. I mean did you SEE those bedrooms?!?

Please. Someone with as limited range as Scarlett Johansson should never be playing shortstop.

that's a costly turnover.