As he lied on the ice writhing in pain, I couldn't help but think that this is just another Abbott that needs a hand.

"Yes! They finally come with extra long sleeves!"

Ice Slippery

Calling bullshit. No one's favorite candy is fucking push pop or bit-o-honey.

WHAT THE BONK ARE YOU THINKING? WHO THE DUMP-BUMP DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? WHERE WOULD A MOTHERPLUMPING BUS COME FROM INSIDE A FATHERFROTTAGING OLYMPIC SKATING FACILITY, YOU NANA-SHRIMPING GREYED-OUT MOUTH-BREATHING—

Two of my really good friends on the team, Sean Hill and Corey McKeon, asked me at lunch one day, "We were just wondering if you were gay." I very honestly said, "No, I just really like the taste of Coke Zero."

If you defocus your eyes, the pants reveal a 3D image of a pitched tent.

Neither one can make it through a play?

I was at the Tournament Player's Championship in 2003, I think it was. I had been over served and was sitting drunkenly on the grass hill overlooking the island green on #17. Tom Lehman's group came to the tee. I had alway had a strong anti-Lehman bias because of he was one of the pioneers of the PGA "God Squad." …

I was at a Marlins game in the late 90's, and we were playing the Padres. The game was tied in the top of the 8th, and since it was a Marlins game, we had moved all the way down to like the fifth row over the visitor's dugout.

(Reads.)

Yet the Russian Olympians are celebrated for bringing gold home to Putin.

For all the complaints about Sochi's accommodations, it seems these guys had no trouble finding a place to crash.

Yeah people, pick on someone your own size!

His producer ordered him to take at least one eye opener.

The realism on this is great, except that the creators made Peyton just a little too mobile.

Wonder how they managed to flush 51 billion dollars away then?

You know how touchy the micks can get.