Sorry, was I being too subtle? That was the joke.

Love it.

Although I'm not a fan of figure-skating inspired flesh-colored fabric, this is the best that Paula Patton has looked in forever. Is she doing something different these days? It looks like she lost 185 pounds.

The dress is a bit mother-of-the-bride, but it's this makeup that's going to make me sleep with the light on tonight.

Not even nepotism can save this dress.

The eternal Jennifer Garner fangirl in me loves how on fire she was last night.

Their expressions tell me that she lost a bet, and this was the forfeit.

She always gets it wrong. Unflattering neckline (I say this as somebody with a comparable chest) and a hemline that's at least three inches too long. The dress itself is nothing to write home about, but her look didn't have to be this terrible.

She looks like a deranged schoolteacher.

I will see your "no" and raise you a "never again."

I'm currently sticking with Team Noel, but Ben could totally be my side piece.

This just made me defect from Team Ben to join Team Noel, approximately 14 years too late.

Favorite Reagan era joke:

They must be approaching the bank.

The "did you see that?" look is what is destroying me about this gif. Get it, kid.

Back when TLC wasn't such a fucking embarrassment (so like a decade ago), I saw an episode of A Wedding Story where the bride and groom invited their friends and families to a barbecue and then got married before their guests in their backyard. This seems like the way to go for me. I like low-key events, and weddings…

A friend and I used to play a game called "Daughter or Lover" when we saw and older guy and younger woman walking around holding hands/linking arms, but it got too depressing and gross to continue. Please don't date anybody whose parents are your contemporaries.

May-December pairings are the worst. Moore's age divided by two plus seven is still seven years older than Page. Can't google it right now, but in my mind, this comment ends with one of those octopus nope gifs.

She seems to be an equal opportunity dater, age-wise. If, in a decade, she's still dating teenagers and guys in their early 20s, she's going to wander into Wilmer Valderrama territory.

Why am I not surprised that Page Six doesn't realize that "beau" is a masculine term? I don't even think they're trying to subtly remind us of the "Clooney has the gheyz" rumours, I think they just don't understand words.