I hope he hands down advice as inspirational as his Step-Brothers speech:

Back in the ‘80s I remember some pundit or politician said something like “in my wildest dreams I never would have thought the CIA would sell arms to our enemy Iran and use the money to finance the Contras in Nicuragua” and I remember thinking “isn’t stuff like that what the CIA just sorta...does?”

At this point, I’d rather watch this play than an actual NFL game.

Imagine the letters to the FCC if they recreated that scene from Requiem for a Dream?

“I was not about to go and be of service to them in any way.”

Not missing as much as your ability to read.

Question: How much would it cost if I wanted that done to, say, an ex-girlfriend?

I love when these evangelical d-bags like Broussard say they’re gonna pray for someone they just insulted. Please flat earther, walk to where you think the end of the earth is and jump 

Something about this knife-wielding attacker did not terrify a group of armed policemen enough to back away and shoot him 50 times. I wonder what it was.

The thing about Mike Francesa is that he will say the same thing at least 15 times in a single segment. In a single segment, that is, he will say the same thing 15 times. 15 times. The same thing. 15 times. That’s really the thing. Saying the thing. 15 times. He says it. 15 times. Really, just listen to him. If you…

You must not have watched the match. Dude flipped his cue, then stood and watched where the ball landed, rather than simply trotting around the table to take his next shot every time. If I’d been playing against him, I’d have picked up one of the balls and chucked it at his freaking head. Act like you’ve snookered(?)…

“Please don’t make me test your theory.”

Samaria Rice: Police shot my 12-year old son at point blank range.
Robert Kraft: Yes, I too was arrested for paying a woman at a massage parlor to jerk my dick. We are the same.

*Cue “Circle of Life”*

I guess the whole “jumping out of a cage to fight members of the opponents team” thing may have been a tell.

This one got me. My 10-year-old daughter does stuff like that. She’s always creating little crafts and drawings and letters and giving them to me. I mean, they suck because she’s 10, but I love them so much.

Shohei was a 28 year old dude who rented a church to ask a girl if she wanted to be his girlfriend. 

Absolutely. I got my ass kicked plenty of times. 

Goddamn, man. This being Deadspin, I want to make a joke...but I just can’t; nothing about child abuse is humerus.

Gabe, I think they ought to get that young man some help

Nobody’s Watching, Nobody’s Listening, Nobody Cares or, How I Stayed the Head Coach of the Cincinnati Bengals For Sixteen Fucking Years: The Marvin Lewis Story