Lemmiwinks, NOOOOOO!!!!!

I’m a 37 year old male. I messed around with this app today and it literally said I was either a 40-year old man or a 71-year old woman.

Mine doesn’t, but I have a wife and three kids. If they all left me tomorrow (fingers crossed) that might change.

(It claims you can make 3,125 meals, though we only count 25. We’re not sure where Prevention’s math came from.)

Which craft brewery double-hopped IPA goes best with chicken nuggets and ranch dressing?

I honestly love these reviews, but it’s just hilarious to me that the beer reviewed on the Concourse costs more than the food reviewed on the Concourse.

COPS but for law-abiding citizens

#not all #puddin pops

What about racism?

If black #thugs would just pull up their #pants then people of all races could enjoy ten dollar slices of chain #pizza and watch #baseball, which black people don’t play because their #absent fathers don’t teach them #work ethic.

“Hi, nice to meet you. So when are you due?”

He certainly would have been tying harder.

Well, I have my own office...

That’s a solid plan. I like to feel old by sleeping with one woman in her mid-thirties about four or five times a year, so the jizz euphemisms are a counterbalancing act.

I’m in my thirties, but if I’ve learned one lesson in life, it’s that the day you stop turning innocent word combinations into euphemisms for jizz is the day you stop dreaming and your soul dies.

“Bone broth” is soup. It is soup and not some other, different thing. It is not new or fancy. It is not even a new kind of soup. It is soup. “Bone broth” and “soup” are synonyms.

Goodell > Pope Francis

Do they give discounts on parentheses?

A few years ago I threw away my Sony 200-Disc CD changer. My young nephew asked, “What the heck is that thing?”

I thought so too, he only missed one: