Ah Christmas, the time of year when I remember that the Pentatonix exist and they are still lame.

I hate people who call me a grinch or a scrooge for not liking it. Like, fuck off Brenda, it’s not my fault you have no taste

That duet with Blake Shelton really bums me out, and I say this as a person who works in retail and has to listen to an all-Christmas station pretty much from mid-november onwards. It stands out in its grating awfulness

This is the most Christmas thing to ever happen.

I mean, when you put it that way, maybe I’ll take my chances with the spiders :(

Even in more rural places where you could have a bear going through your trash or on your porch fucking up your screen door, at least they aren’t poisonous, or small enough to sneak into your house and hide on your ceiling or under your toilet seat. If there’s a bear in your house, you’re going to know. It won’t be a…

I think they’re all just desensitized to the scary critters that live there. Spiders the size of a plate? No fucking thank you

Parenting challenges you never consider until they happen

Well congratulations for being an excellent driver because I would have crashed that car in panic. That is too big.

They just don’t trust women, that is what it comes down to in the end. Any woman in their lives might decide to ruin them on a whim. Their brains are full of hypothetical imaginary women out to get them. Never mind that coming forward with allegations of abuse looks like a fucking nightmare for the victims, these very…

I’d be delighted if my work cancelled its Christmas party; burn in hell you miserable mandatory social event! Death to the office party, DEATH!

I’m from Toronto (home to so many raccoons Planet Earth 2 gave us a mention) and on their behalf I’d like to say they are nothing like the rotting pumpkin potus. They are clever and good at puzzles and not wasting people’s tax dollars on golf trips and enriching themselves on the backs of the little guy. Like the…

Not to belittle your cause or anything, but the revolution will be ADORABLE!

Basically I’m interested in the Met ball solely for Rihanna’s interpretation of the theme, and maybe a couple of others. She’s like that one kid at the annual science fair who does something really cool and unexpected while the other kids are making potato clocks and wishing it could be over.

Maybe I want the kitchen to be a whole separate space specifically because of parties! I need a place to hide from the socialization when it gets too much. That is what the kitchen is for. I get exhausted with making conversation, I can go into the kitchen and fix up more snacks, or do the dishes or whatever busy work…

It would be the first thing I do once becoming a vampire with, I assume, strong immortal ankles that cannot be broken and toes that feel no pain.

Her entire outfit is so white and easily mucked up, and it practically screams dry clean only. I’d be in stain-hiding prints and a lot of dark colours if I were working on dinosaur island. Then again, I always try to wear comfy shoes in case I have to outrun something or get caught in an apocalypse. You know, just in…

OK but that last guy lost half a cookie to this asshole’s shenanigans so, his anger is very justified. Ruin my food picture, fine but do not ever fuck with the amount of food on my plate ESPECIALLY dessert!

You just know he was cracking Dad Jokes left and right instead of, you know, making awkward and cringy comments that are not appropriate for kids.

Right? Even a cheap Old Navy bikini is going to need some time to soak after you wear it to the beach or something. Buddy, you made a ridiculously impractical piece of clothing, loaned it out to a photoshoot that 100% would be using all kinds of make up and body glitter, and you expect the clean up to be quick and…