yougotsentenced.com

Happy Birthday! Here is some nsfw Fassbender, since he’s your b-day twin and all. No other motives, obviously.

I cannot recommend any dyes for you since I like to use a whole rainbow of colors and it sounds like you want more natural coloring than electric purple. But I can do a little reassuring.

REUSABLE WATER BOTTLE REUSABLE WATER BOTTLE REUSABLE WATER BOTTLE REUSABLE WATER BOTTLE REUSABLE WATER BOTTLE REUSABLE WATER BOTTLE REUSABLE WATER BOTTLE REUSABLE WATER BOTTLE REUSABLE WATER BOTTLE REUSABLE WATER BOTTLE REUSABLE WATER BOTTLE

My husband mocks me for leaving half drunk glasses of water around the house. I tell him that I'm saving them to kill the aliens, like in the movie Signs.

I despise the rule that women over "insert age" should not have long hair. Luckily, I'm blessed with thick wavy Italian hair, I have 4 kids, and have always rocked my long hair. I'm 52 and it's at my waist. When said kids were little, braids, ponytails, buns, etc. Same for work. I get the most compliments on my…

WANT.

I was in a wedding with a wardrobe mishap: the bride, one of my best friends from law school, ordered a beautiful veil with her dress. I was surprised because she's a big tomboy and I wouldn't have guessed her to go that formal. The dress arrives with no veil and the bridal boutique is a dick and actually charged her…

I swore I wouldn't get a poofy princess dress because #feminism. Well, I ended up breaking the bank to get one and I loved it. I justified the purchase by saying I'll treat it well and resell it.

I was nearly 6 months pregnant when I got married. I bought the dress 2 weeks before the wedding, with just a smidgen of cleavage showing in the dressing room. By crazy pregnancy hormonal magic, my breasts grew two cup sizes between buying the dress and the wedding. It had a sort of wraparound top portion, so instead…

I was the wedding guest who got the hem of her dress stuck in her high-waisted Spanx after using the toilet. I walked about 50 feet from the ladies room through half the ballroom with my Spanx-covered ass on display before another woman ran over to fix my skirt.

I found the perfect wedding shoes- on clearance even- but only available a size too small. Not one to be deterred after searching for months, I made those suckers fit for the ceremony and most of the reception. When my poor tootsies could take no more at the end of the night, I slipped them off and promptly stepped on…

One of my husband's groomsmen managed to collide with a waiter during the dinner and sent a bowl of tomato soup* down the whole back of my dress. Almost before I had even realized what happened, it seemed like half the staff were on their knees behind me, dabbing frantically with club soda. I couldn't really see…

I posted this in a different "I Three Dread" column, but it bears repeating here:

I have one!

I'm late too the party, but if this can save one woman from making a similar mistake, my work has been done. I made my wedding dress from 2 pieces- a skirt and a low-back satin strapless bustier that I made from chopping off a $100 dress at the waist. Yea! Cute! Super clever! However, I am a woman who sweats. And my…

During my wedding we had little tea lights lit on all of the tables. I was sitting down to eat when a friend approached the table to offer congratulations. She leaned over the table to hug me and caught herself on fire on the flame from the tea light. I started patting her with my bare hand to try to put it out.…

So many things! First off, it was 90 degrees and outdoors at a winery in early October, so our Indian Summer. Right as I leave the vintage train car we used to get ready to walk down the aisle, I squish between some bushes that line the path and suddenly there are hundreds of stupid little bugs caught in the layers of…

I was dropped by my 70 year-old grandfather-in-law. He asked me to dance, offered to "dip" me, I said 'no, let's not do that,' but he did anyway and we both fell over, OFF the "dance floor" (read: patio) and onto the grass/dirt. Thankfully this was AFTER the ceremony and during the reception, but there was still a…

Not my wedding but...