A fetus always trumps a woman. Especially if that woman is brown.

I'm investing my life savings in LL Bean and Timberland.

30 goddamned years? Someone could've murdered HER and gotten less jail time than that!

/sadly resets the "DAYS WITHOUT AN EMBARRASSING STORY ABOUT MY HOME STATE" counter to zero

People like your friend are why I always open all of the files students submit as soon as I get them to make sure there's actually a paper there.

No, his fetish is being stomped in the balls.

Seriously, how the fuck did all of us forget this gem?

Another good reason is that maybe one is allergic to "crunchy" as the restaurant customer told her server in Kitchenette. That one still kills me.

Yo everyone else in history, zooropa is real happy for you and is going to let you finish, but George Bush had the greatest dumb excuse of ALL TIME.

excuses i've heard for trying to get away with not paying for a lap dance:

"Must have been a glitch."

That's a great excuse. I'd also accept "I have a baked potato in the oven."

My wife just said, after I read this to her, "If I were the health teacher, I wouldn't have gotten him in trouble...but I would have tossed my lesson plan for the day, and conducted an impromptu class on communication, consent, confidentiality, and sexual ethics. 'Thank you, (name), for suggesting the topic of…

"I can't go out - I tore both of my Achilles tendons."
- said by a person who definitely walked to breakfast with me the next morning

The first time I was buying weed, I didn't know what to do. The dealer told me to come over to his apartment, and I assumed that we would exchange weed/money at the door. Instead, he started leading me through a dark, scary hallway and down the stairs into his place. I stammered something like "Oh, I've never been…

"Iraq has weapons of mass destruction."

"My hamster was scared."

In response to chickening out re: the saltine challenge.

If someone feels they need to give me a PSA, I tell them I smoke for the children (in California, there's a tobacco tax that goes specifically to fund early childhood education) and would they rather I pay that tax or do they want to.

In high school one of the guys in my health class showed up about five minutes late for class. When he arrived the teacher asked why he was late. He replied "I saw two girls making out and I HAD to watch them."