When I was around 10, my mother’s first husband told me I’d better find a “leg man” if I ever wanted someone to fuck me because I was flat chested.

I knew that men peed from the penis so I assumed sex was the insertion of the balls into the vagina.

When I was in high school I started getting all kinds of calls from military recruiters wanting to meet with me about my potential. I had zero interest in the military so I was just telling them “no, thank you” but they wouldn’t stop calling. Finally I started telling them that I wasn’t military material because I’d…

I have a friend whose family forced her to go to Jesus camp as a kid. Turns out another camper was none other than a pre-teen KP. Apparently, KP stood up at one camp event and called my friend out for not believing in Jesus and encouraged everyone else not to hang out with her as a non-believer. How very “Saved” of…

So I totally think he’s probably a dick and was totally a terrible governor (and a sexual harasser) but I have to admit that I have a weird soft spot for his staff because he once rented a house in the rich section of a town I lived in (he was filming) and they gave out king sized candy bars for Halloween.

As a girl who once threw her push up bra at the stage during a free bbmak concert at a fair, I totally get your creepy twelve-year-old girl thing. #solidarity #ICantBeleiveIAdmitThat

I know you don’t really have four hundred older brothers, but the mental image of them all stacked up in a car with two hamsters running around makes me giggle.

As someone who was once told that I needed to “make up” half of my family tree for a oral presentation in high school (I’ve always been estranged from my paternal families side) or I would fail the project for only doing half the work, I completely agree with this sentiment. (For the record, I told the teacher to fuck…

YEEESSSSSS

I have a friend who routinely submitted emailed papers to her professors shortly before deadlines as a series of "@#$andthen$%^^$(*%%," for 10 pages or so knowing that they wouldn't read all of them immediately and they'd assume her files were corrupted thus giving her a few days extra to write the actual paper. This…

I like to imagine it had some positive impact instead of just teaching him that women are raving lunatics.

I consider myself a pacifist, but maybe not a perfect one. I often joke that I'm a pacifist unless you fuck with my sleep, food or cut me off in traffic. In which case I can throw threats and expletives around like a pro (but it stays strictly verbal).

I find this hilarious. I may steal this as a signature move for future arguments.

If you're a sociopath then I probably am too. I find your responses perfectly reasonable.

You are my hero

I actually know someone who drunkenly accosted a bus boy to sniff him in a restaurant. Like grabbed him by his sleeve and pulled him towards her accosted. It was mortifying at the time and I apologized profusely to the very confused maybe 18 year old guy but it's hilarious to bring up to embarrass her now.

If I had known that was an option while I was in high school, I might have done it to myself on purpose....

5 year old me is in the bathtub. I know from TV that there is a vague concept of razors having replaceable blade heads. Curious, I grab my mom's, probably rusty, BIC razor and inspect it, looking for how the blades would come off to be replaced. I try pushing on the side of the head, but nothing moves. I try…

Your mom sounds fun.

I'm irrationally proud of myself for having no idea what you just said.