I'm sorry but you're wearing the wrong shade of pearls, I'm going to need you to go home and change ASAP.

anna i am just going to start writing you anonymous bitchy emails about all of your articles.

Are you sure it wasn't Kappa Kappa Kappa?

I'M DYING IM DEAD IVE DIED "Dj WetWet's Beats for the Sheets" is THE GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER READ IN MY LIFE.

You know, there was a golden opportunity with the waitress who just heard about your tear-inducingly good sexual prowess.

...and here I was thinking no one was going to beat Kevin Federline.

A guy who gave me a playlist (on a flash drive) called "DJ WetWet's Beats for the Sheets."

This is, like, THE MOST Bay Area of embarrassing sex stories. Ever. Please let this have happened in the East Bay.

Semi-professional ultimate frisbee player (I wish I was joking). He also wore a backpack all the time filled with some weights to help his "explosiveness"...he was attractive though! He also accused my cats of giving him mono. You read that correctly.

I tried going down on a guy in the back seat of a car (we were both wasted) and he stopped me saying "My Mommy said not to let a girl do that" and then got quiet and not as responsive... I stopped trying and realized he was crying. I got out of the car and walked home. He showed up at my door a few days later with a…

Well, was he good?

Did she grab a hold of him tightly?
When she turned off the lights, did he glow?
Did she wax his chump like a candle?

I could go on...

-A cop. A COP.

If neither were Juggalos you are still winning at life!

Not my story at all, but my cousin once fucked Vanilla Ice. He looked like this at the time (complete with that vile goatee-thing):

Had just graduated from college and was interviewing for jobs. Human resources lady calls me for a second interview, which goes well. She calls me for a third and arranges it at a local café (for a change of scenery). She looks amazing, but much different than she had the prior to appointments. It becomes obvious that…

A self-described "Nomadic Poet and Petition Signature Getter" I met at an Open Mic was invited over to my place after an impromptu date. Drinks and laughs were had. Making out like a couple of teenagers on the BART was fun.

My friends and I love to mock each other about the various losers we slept with in our erstwhile youth. There's one I have never 'fessed up to out of embarrassment, a guy who was a little more, shall we say, redneck, than my usual sensitive artist type. He drove a pick-up truck, was a hard drinker and a tough guy. We…

A PhD candidate writing his dissertation on Friedrich Nietzsche.

(Shit you guys, I fucked him again two weeks ago, even though he cheated on me A BUNCH while we were dating. What kind of low-class sluts would bang that narcissistic creep, anyway?! -4 modifier to self-esteem.)

I'm just here to make sure my name, or likeness, doesn't show up.