As a non-Christian I never believed in him. Or any fairytale/mythical creature* (looking at you toothfairy). No one ever told me he was or was not real. I just knew. And my parents told me not to be a dick about it to other kids. I'd just listen to them prattle on about Santa and it was all I could do to not roll my…

and that while as a society we "allow kids to be kids" that this same kind of tolerance isn't extended to adults.

I like to think the truly rebellious thing is choosing the name "John" in a family of Maddox, Pax, Zaharah, Vivienne, and Knox. Maybe in time John will learn to conform and at least go for Xavier or Max. Boys names have Xs in the Jolie-Pitt family!

My father was head of security at the Pentagon on 9-11. My brothers and I couldn't find him until 11Pm that night at Bethesda Naval Hospital ( where I was born in 1977). He was given the last rites twice but the tough old bastard survived it (along with a year in Vietnam and Anthrax poisoning.) I love you pop, and…

Those cats gave none of the available fucks.

Pffffft like he'd have gotten in there otherwise.

It's very thoughtful of you to pack him in with a drink.

Ahhh hahaha we did this to my mom too! Told her our Marine brother couldn't come home until after Christmas Day and then had him jump out of a box. She almost deafened my daughter (who she was holding) with her scream, lol. Good times had by all!

I take full responsibility for people crying because of the following two gifs.

Wait, you go inside the Wendy's?

At least it didn't happen in Tennessee. The deceased would be tried and imprisoned.

Do I have grey on me?! GET IT OFF GET IT OFF !_!

When we were kids, my brother and I would spend a lot of Christmases at our grandmother's in Utah. She had at least two gigantic closets full of non-perishable food. I'm not sure if it's because she was a bit of an apocalypse prepper or if this is normal grandma stuff (or maybe normal Mormon grandma stuff?).…

... wait, I need to know... how many toasters has she given you? O_O

Ha thanks! I'm getting the hang of it. Luckily, my husband is awesome and we live 8 hours away. Oh, and wine. Wine helps a lot.

I had a cloth doll I slept with in my bed ever since I was born, called "Blue Baby." Over the years, the thing was starting to be full of holes. My dad gradual patched them up as they appeared, but by this point she was practically covered in one giant patch.

Okay, I'll contribute even though I was a not technically the gift-getter. *Caution, this is not a hilarious story, it is a mortifying story.

My mother in law is the queen of passive aggressive. She usually gets us a bunch of junk- toasters that toast designs on your bread, elf hats, cheap tiny remote controlled helicopters, etc etc. She hasn't quite grasped that my husband is a grown ass man and doesn't need that ninja turtle, but thanks. Last year, she…

That beard was hideous but the real crime was turning that gorgeous girl Kari into an albino alien.