Here's an eyewitness sketch:

I'd let this beautiful guy roam free any time, any place. [*winks*]

It took me...longer than I care to admit to realize that you did not mean you were a train conductor. I sat here thinking, "Why would a train conductor have muscular arms?"

I especially like the Penguin Asada.

Can you get more south of the border than New Zealand?

She got pregnant at 14 if that answers your question

Part of me is like F*CK YOU TLC, let's stop paying attention to these fools.

I have to wonder if June was molested herself at some point in her childhood.

I initially saw that as "Ebola" instead of "Idris Elba" because my contacts went fuzzy and I thought "Chris Brown is DEFINITELY Ebola."

Wow, so the Happy Funtime American Poverty Review with those loveable wascally wednecks sexualizing extremely young girls...turned out to be a crock of pedophiles?

News flash, Chris Brown: you are *not* Idris Elba.

Shit, man. We clearly need to start a fund for some excellent, honest therapy for all these kids. They deserve the best psychological support available to humankind.

Yes? My head hurts and my heart aches for those girls.

So we all thought Pumpkin's dad was Sex Offender #1, including Pumpkin, but it turns out Pumpkin's dad was Sex Offender #2 and Mama June lied to Pumpkin and told Pumpkin it was Sex Offender #1, and now Mama June is claiming she only spent time with Sex Offender #1 to give Pumpkin closure because Pumpkin thought Sex…

This is John Cho. All other crush suggestions are invalid.

To Chris Brown and the child molesters...

Chris Brown is the last person I would fantasize about, give me some Ryan Phillippe or Boris kodjoe any day!

Can we all agree that that "tangy zip of Miracle Whip" is not mayo, is vile and has actually caused me irreperable harm?

The worst one I've seen was a military contractor - former Navy sailor - who slept with a married junior enlisted soldier ten years younger than him in Afghanistan, got her pregnant, got her kicked out of country for the pregnancy and prosecuted for committing adultery (an offense under military law), which ended her…