I fucking hate stadium names now.

You know how when you were a kid you’d visit your grandparents and there was a bunch of old boring shit and you werent allowed to touch anything?

Do they have one for “Bus Stop Masturbators”?

Probably still tasted better than Dominos.

I think this was the original script for Silence of The Lambs before they touched it up a bit.

Another fun time: My roommate didnt know that I sometimes slept in my walk in closet when I knew I would be hungover the next morning so the sun wouldnt wake me up. So one morning my roomie and a buddy bust in my room trying to scare me but there was nobody in the bed. I hear them saying...

He didnt try to save me, he just kicked me a bunch of times and turned off the oven and left me on the floor.

If I had been that buddy I have to shamefully admit my first thought wouldn’t have been to save you, it’d be to save the Valium. So he was a good pal.

Years ago me and a buddy smuggled ALOT of Valium back from Mexico which started a six month period that I cannot remember clearly considering I was also drinking a 12 pack a night. One night sticks in my memory: I was high as a kite on pills and Jack and decided to heat up some leftover Dominos so I put the oven on…

“No more ragtops for me.”

Is Tobias protected under this law?

Ive always thought it should be against the law to shoot the police.

If you’re a pitcher, don’t worry about what the hitter is doing, get your mind back on track and unfuck yourself.

A significant number of baseball players are cordially invited to get over it. If you groove one to a hitter and he takes it deep, that’s on you. Shut up and fuck off.

Looks like a Lambo.

Hey I saw The Departed too!

This is still in my all-time Top 10 commercials:

Not for Jason Statham.

it’s fine really. There has always been an old generation and a young one. David Wright was the young gun coming into NYC to take Jeters spot as hot shit in this town like yesterday it feels like. We’ll blink and Matt Harvey will be an old hardass. Life.

Yeah, which is sad.