If shes in Heaven please send me to Hell.

I fucking hate stadium names now.

Its always so sad when bad things happen to hot women.

You know how when you were a kid you’d visit your grandparents and there was a bunch of old boring shit and you werent allowed to touch anything?

Do they have one for “Bus Stop Masturbators”?

Probably still tasted better than Dominos.

It was the original story for Smokey and the Bandit.

Another fun time: My roommate didnt know that I sometimes slept in my walk in closet when I knew I would be hungover the next morning so the sun wouldnt wake me up. So one morning my roomie and a buddy bust in my room trying to scare me but there was nobody in the bed. I hear them saying...

He didnt try to save me, he just kicked me a bunch of times and turned off the oven and left me on the floor.

Years ago me and a buddy smuggled ALOT of Valium back from Mexico which started a six month period that I cannot remember clearly considering I was also drinking a 12 pack a night. One night sticks in my memory: I was high as a kite on pills and Jack and decided to heat up some leftover Dominos so I put the oven on…

“No more ragtops for me.”

Is Tobias protected under this law?

Ive always thought it should be against the law to shoot the police.

Yeah, who wants a sport to be fun?

Looks like a Lambo.

Rape, murder, corpse defilation, American Eagle.

That beard looks so fake.

Thats awesome.

I actually like it but, as usual, dumbass politics are ruining it.

I never said the NFL was a fuckin’ Mardi Gras either.