You're the Editor in Chief at Splinter starting right now.  That's the attitude they're looking to promote.  

How is someone going to turn “make the drums louder” into 90 minutes of movie?

“I worked as a pleb for a whole summer in college. I know the pain of the service worker.”

Retired cop needs to lose his pension, asap.

As long as you put them back in front of an audience to set up the sketches.  That last season where they were just bullshitting in a car in front of a green screen sucked so much energy out of the show. 

“For having an opinion? Or do you wanna say i am a bad person? That would be your opinion. I support LGBT+ but that does not mean i have to like everything they do.”

You should turn these into animated clips. Little five minute shorts where cartoon Michael explains racism to a little racist kid would be fantastic.  

It seems weird that after everything else, someone would have a moment of clarity now about Donald Trump.

“That lady started running for office in 1998 and never stopped. Nothing she said in public wasn’t rehearsed”

As if this batch of neanderthals whining knows anything about what women want. Imagine being the kind of man that feels Piers Morgan speaks for them. Ick.  

Oh Roo, that is delightful! Especially if they run the ad again during his show.

Also, I will crop any screenshots in the future.  That's confusing as hell up there. 

I get that he’s got to find something to support his client, but when your best defense is that a 15 year old lied about her age it seems you may have already lost. 

I have never understood the “Women are too emotional” knock when we (guys) will occasionally start fist fights because some other dude was “looking at me funny”.

This can’t be a sincere comment:

The NCAA is going to come down on Memphis so hard over this. 

I’m stuck in the office today spreading chubby white guy joy on the internet. 

“Don’t you know that Bernie marched with MLK? Now you want him to like, address for profit prisons or something? MLK had a dream man. Letter from a what? A Birmingham Jail?! Nope, never heard of it.”

“Centrist” seems to be their preferred knock lately. 

Well, there’s the whole “banning all the commentors” after they got push back over truly stupid takes. The constant Bernie humping, whichever asshole keeps letting Tomatoface comment, HamNo (just his whole exhausting existence), the increasingly stringent purity tests, an undercurrent of ageism that becomes more…