He’s lucky nobody dynamited him as he was sleeping, a la Florence, Oregon.

Leonid Brezhnev may have also contributed some sperm to the cocktail.

When did Robert Forster and Alfred Molina have a baby?

Osteopathic karma?

(imagining Deadspin as Dana Carvey as Tom Brokaw, several days before tournament starts) “Nick Kyrgios was eaten by a bear on the grass as the All-England Club, and he was delicious”

In all fairness, Aerosmith and the Rolling Stones haven’t produced anything of value past Pump (late 30s) or Some Girls (mid 30s). When Bob Dylan was 47, he had been irrelevant for about 15 years. No high school/college kids were going out to buy their autumn years albums; the real money was to be made in gouging…

I look forward to 1000-word daily recaps of the physical therapy regimen for the only tennis player who matters. So long, Wimbledon, nice knowing you.

That’s why they call it the sweet science, but only if you say sweeeeeet in a sarcastic tone like I did in the 90s and science is what you would find in a GOP-approved Texas textbook.

JOE LOUIS WAS 140 YEARS OLD

“The Japanese have a baserunner who can slide with every alternate step without losing any speed.”

The important thing about having a Lebron Stopper is keeping him fresh by moving him to the Western Conference, thereby only playing him 2 times a year and never meeting him in the playoffs since you’d have to get to the Finals and I don’t think anybody thinks the Rockets are going to do that.

Those noon/1 pm weekday playoff games available only on the NBA Network need somebody to play in them.

Be fair, you haven’t had a 50 win season since Carter was in the White House.

As they say in Utah, Ricky Rubio couldn’t hit the purifying waters of the Great Salt Lake if he fell out of a boat.

[the stirring theme song from The Right Stuff begins to play]

I guess we should have guessed that Bruce checked out when he changed his number from 19 to Why Haven’t I Been Traded, Goddammit, Get Me Away From This Sewage Drain of a Team

So it’s NOT a laundry detergent?

At least the son of the last person who tried to dismantle the EPA isn’t on the Supreme Court or anything.

“A double murderer? Sign him up! Use the same re-animating technology you used on me!” — Jerry Jones

Fixing a fight that badly in Australia should be a bootable offense.