If the Bullizards sign anybody of note they’re going to have to change his password at the admin level and hide the company amyl nitrate poppers.

(one state changes its sales tax rate from 5.5 to 5.25%) WE HAVE A NEW WINNER (klaxon sounds, confetti drops from Univision Deportes ceiling)

“It worked for us!” — Timofey Mozgov, Greg Ostertag and Jim McIlvaine, clinking champagne glasses together

And that $63M per year is low when you consider the nearly INCALCULABLE value of SICK and INSANE pre-game WARMUP SHOTS

Use the East still being a toilet bowl to facilitate the reintegration of somebody newly out of a coma they’ve been in for the last 2-18 years.

The Pacers dropped the hero and got with the zero (performers in the playoffs)

I predict the Pacers will get the Nets’ 2098 and 2099 first round picks, making the next time they have a draft pick occurs in the 22nd century.

The other big story I saw was that the Clippers will get Griffin for another 5 years at 200 zillion dollars per year (all while not granting him a no-trade clause), and they even plan on picking up free agent Jack MacBrayer to fill the void of sidekick in case Austin Rivers decapitates himself with a dribbled ball.

“Genius Sam Presti Erases That Idiot Sam Presti’s Mistake From 8 Months Ago”

Hey, the Legion of Doom at least had diversity. A cheetah-woman, a gorilla, a toy fetishist, a Cajun zombie, and a computer-man, whatever Black Manta was..

Fortunately a bespectacled Future-Gaethje was there from the Year 2045 to prevent Present-Gaethje from doing something rash in retaliation, thereby DQing himself before the match.

In any event, women and girls, I think that’s called “dodging a bullet.”

My best guess: McConnell, like anybody suffused with turtle DNA, will be sunning himself on a rock. Paul Ryan will be running from crazed fans who think he’s Butch Patrick. Rand Paul will be at home furiously masturbating to his Dad’s newsletters.

What about if they serve them spinach around Round 7, that seems to liven up Popeye/Bluto matches.

I forgot his other advantage: a team of Irish travelers will run in to stand him up if he gets knocked through the ropes

I knew his warm-up match should have been against Connie Booth, Carol Cleveland is going to DESTROY him.

He’s going to teach the remaining Bad News Knicks his patented pre-free-throw routine, but with middle finger extended on the wiping hand to specifically signal Phil Jackson.

What he lacks in style and technique he makes up for in a superior corner team, fashion sense, nicotine intake, and incomprehensible gibberish.

“Enjoy the beach while it lasts, kids, another hunk of ice the size of Belgium just broke off of the Northern Shelf (chugs half a bottle of Boone’s Farm)“

Big deal, Gordie Howe played for seven years in minor league hockey while he was in his 80s, four of those while he was technically dead.