On the plus side, we’re only 51 weeks away from the next preordained NBA Finals.

This is just going to lead to more prenuptial agreements where the wife will not be allowed any friends.

The last time I heard something like that it was literally in a cartoon (the Simpsons writers describing Smithers as “Burns-sexual”)

I like “Christian Mommy blogger” as a phrase, its contains as much of a concentrated warning as a cobra with hood flared, cat with fur fluffed up, and hippo yawning combined.

2019: Lebron shows up with a 400-lb Kendrick Perkins at the Cavs’ practice facility, asks “Can I keep him and pay him $48 million over 3 years?”

2019: Lebron shows up with a 400-lb Kendrick Perkins at the Cavs’ practice facility, asks “Can I keep him and pay him $48 million over 3 years?”

For some reason I think of all Canadian businessmen/middle-management types trying to play hardball using a Guy Caballero voice, but when things start going south (literally in this case) blubbering like Johnny La Rue.

(takes off robe, reveals giant full body tattoo that makes it appear as if Draymond Green is kicking him in the nuts)

I read the title of this article in the voice of Tom Noonan (as the Red Dragon) lecturing a ginger Stephen Lang in Manhunter.

I have, like Michael Corleone in Sicily, been hit by the thunderbolt by the sinsanity (that’s the state of being BOTH sick AND insane) of it all, or at least would have been if I watched any of it or gave a shit about the NBA playoffs after my preferred team crapped out against the Spurs. It reminds me of being told…

If I were going to guess how we get to Game 5, I’m thinking Draymond T’ed up for non-regulation socks before the game even begins, maybe Durant called for several fouls for improper pre-game hugs/handshakes. Maybe Adam Silver jumping on Klay Thompson’s back right before he releases a key 3-point shot, screaming like a…

He learned that trick from Vincent Schiavelli using bottle caps in the subway station.

I thought you were going to say “I knew it was going to be terrible and badly directed”

Spoiler Alert: Tristan Thompson was a ghost the whole time.

Let it be one of life’s great mysteries, similar to the reasons behind the overuse of the adjective insane and adverb jaw-droppingly.

Call him Dristan Thompson because side-effects of watching him play may include drowsiness.

It definitely eliminates those pesky variables of discretion and judgment, like giving the MVP to the guy with the highest WAR.

The unreadability and incoherence levels are OVER NINE THOUSAND

In times of rising economic inequality, wage stagnation, and nihilistic shredding of safety nets, I too love agonizing over the musical chairs played by a few dozen at a single position in a professional sporting league.

(teacher given Most Likely to Be Slinging Blizzards at the Dairy Queen award on the way out)