UPDATE: Matt Harvey having another shitty start. Sorry, Jose, maybe another day.

Jose Altuve had 10 total bases without any HR today (2 doubles, 2 triples) as the Astros went to 29-12. I’ll have to check whether beating the Marlins actually constitutes a MLB win.

Call me an aging hipster doofus, but I’ve cut out the middleman and now am enjoying the *fantastic* taste of Red Bull for pennies a day by reclaiming and drinking my three guinea pigs’ piss output.

Call me an aging hipster doofus, but I’ve cut out the middleman and now am enjoying the *fantastic* taste of Red…

To be fair, professional team snooker is hard to predict and yet EVERYONE is clamoring for it.

The Patriots have a much more advanced metric: if he doesn’t immediately pop back up to bitch to the refs about being touched, the sideline neurologists know that something is terribly amiss.

The Astros’ #8 hitter planted two 425 foot+ dongers off the hideous Marlins’ Miami Vice homage-sculpture, for shit’s sake.

The Nationals and Astros have to be seriously reevaluating their strategy for garnering the most important plum in Major League Baseball: intermittent Deadspin regurgitations of yesterday’s gameplay. They already tried renaming their teams The New York Nationals and the New York Astros to no avail.

I remember Too Close for Comfort Clue, especially when it was Munro in the attic loft with his biting wit.

“Works for me” — Luke Russert.

Either one of them saying the slogan “Where winners eat” is an amazing act of corporate self-negation.

I guess you could say that the whole thing’s gone to POT ROAST

You outnumber, out-legislate, and wait for the anti-progressive forces to wither and die. There have been bigger ideological divides that have been overcome (going to WWII to stop German/Japanese expansion, actually functioning as a union as opposed to autonomous states, abolition vs. maintaining slavery) where the…

“It’s the most divided we’ve ever been! No, I don’t know what happened from 1861 to 1865. ENLIGHTEN ME.”

(husband tears patella tendon trying to jump in bed to consummate the marriage)

“Sixers podcast..” (closes garage door)

I’d settle for citizens (felons whose crimes were decades ago, marginalized people without 19 forms of ID, people of color in understaffed precincts) voting at this point.

(studiously avoids all political commentary in the hopes that the controversy of the day is addressed by Jimmy “Taxi” Fallon) (is disappointed by Fallon) (drops dead as brain no longer has the power to involuntarily control my heartbeat)

Gisele: I’ve been feeding him increasingly ridiculous foods to see whether he has any critical reasoning left, but to no avail. I’m afraid he’s lost at least 5% of his brain.

That’s why apart from providing a comical “I’m better than those idiots” pick-me-up, Fox News is supremely ignore-able, i.e. why waste one’s energy trying to correct them? Apply also to about 30-40% of the population, including those handful of relatives and ex-high school classmates you’re tempted to engage on…

When it comes to fascist types trying to soothe their closed-loop dead-ender viewership, I prefer Kevin Bacon in Animal House