Maybe its because I’m not a mom but this all sounds really obnoxious. 

My fave: It’s like using a croissant as a fucking dildo. Let me be more clear: it doesn’t do the job, and it makes a fucking mess.

Gah, you’re right, I’m fixing. I should have just sold highlighter palettes.

Khloe: So you’re telling me, I can’t count on a man who abandoned his pregnant fiance and only sees his son on Christmas to be a doting father to my child? That’s what you’re telling me?

I decorated my baby girl’s room with a whale and underwater theme, and my idiot coworker said that whales are for boys. 

The good news is Bean doesn’t care whether he wins or loses. Bean in it for the attention, the treats, and any extra belly rubs. So in that sense, Bean won big.

I’m 32 and every time I go on Facebook it’s like, “Surprise! WE’RE PREGNANT!” or “Soandso has a sibling on the way!” Meanwhile I’m a single cat lady who has time to go to the gym, attain my goals as a figure skater, and make banana bread. 

Oh the fond memories of making 25 4yos sit still on the carpet, in the dark, away from all windows and doors, doing silent “Heads, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes” to keep them quiet as school administrators went by all our rooms to check they were blacked out, rattled the doorknob to make sure it was locked, and generally…

“I love my students but I’m not a trained security guard or a first responder by any stretch of the imagination... and if you don’t do the right things you will be judged,” O’Brien adds

Aaaaaaand...

My jade plant is for sure not the same thing as a nearly half a millennium old bonsai but I feel for these people. Turns out taking care of plants can be a really cool and profound education. Once you figure out plants, much more of how the world works will begin to make some sense.

You see this?  This is how you do Kinja, folks; this is what you’re supposed to do with Kinja. Take heed.

And I think it doesn’t matter whether this was the toddler’s mind protecting him in his despair via imaginary bear friend, or a real bear friend protecting the little boy. The end result is that a three-year-old child is alive and safe. I’m perfectly willing to settle for this.

It’s pretty obvious what happened.  There was no bear.  It was Bigfoot.

Yeah, i’m pretty sure the “real tragedy” is Michael Jackson raping children.

How is it possible that nobody in a medical facility noticed that a patient in their care was pregnant?

I was so tickled by this animal that I said out loud in an Australian accent, “Awwwwwww, what’s up Knickers?” and now HR wants to speak with me.

Hopefully Mexico brings out the tear gas to keep out these people in return. This group of sick people from Utah could be made up of rapists, prescription drug dealers, and spies from other countries trying to get into Mexico. 

Obviously the Satanic Temple needs to start a few hospitals.

So no abortions after-hours, but raping children in church is cool? Ok.