You bought and tasted one of those things, didn’t you?

These owners must come from pretty open-minded, laid-back communities. My neighbors all complained and ultimately had me arrested when I attempted to enter my ugly dog.

FAKE NEWS. There are no ugly dogs.

Maybe they looked too Muslim to the officers (read as black = Muslim). That water might have been from Flint so the officers were concerned there was a terrorist attack via bottled water.

How else are these “heroes” going to teach them their place in American society, then later get to complain how angry these kids are at the world for no reason.

Seriously, initiative is literally against the law these days, yet being lazy is still a crime.

Reports are out that Melania and Robert Mueller are having lunch together tomorrow, on Trump’s Birthday!!!

My tolerance has reached ‘accidentally ODing on a bag of fire’ levels of high. I used to morbidly joke with the What Fresh Hell crowd, but now every morning I just sit down at my browser and am like

Not hair one on his nuts.

I keep reading, and hearing, everybody talking about the mid-terms in two years and the next election in four years, or even how, in the freaking 2030s, when the demographics change, the left will get back into power. The problem with all this is that everybody’s assuming there will be a Left left in the2030's, or…

You think that’s bad? Wait until they hold a Constitutional Convention.

Ain’t nobody ever gonna accuse Donald Trump of thinking through the implications of literally anything he says, for even a second.

Many very smart people are saying this dinner was a meeting with representatives from NAMBLA.

Just curious, but on the scale of 1-100, with “1" being the worst candidate ever and “100" being the absolute perfect candidate, where would you rank Trump and Clinton?

True story: I had to direct a television interview with him once, and he couldn’t fit in the chair we had supplied and we ended up putting him on a stool.

Chris Christie: “A man goes to the doctor and the doctor says, “You are suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder from being in the Pentagon when it was struck by a plane.” The man says, “Doc, I think I wanna second opinion!” The doctor says, “OK- your breath stinks!”

That statue could be either presidential candidate in the back of the truck from the physique profile.

I’m in my early 30s, I have two kids, and a stable career. I want to get a vasectomy but my wife says no. What say you?

Name a band you love, that everyone else seems to hate.

Has anyone in history enjoyed hearing about someone else's fantasy football team?