masterful!

this kid... might be might drunk alter ego.

Clever, very clever.

Oh my goodness, what a beauty! That snaggletooth! <3 <3 <3

Weird, mine usually just farts and then the tape peels off, along with the paint on the walls, and the paper curls up, just like my hair, leaving a perfectly tidy unwrapped gift.

Maybe he's just a good boy, who's a good boy, he's a good boy, good boy!

Jumpin Jack Flash!

By far the most rage-calming, sweat-drying, brow-unfurrowing thing I've ever heard was in a restaurant, an older waiter we used to call Mac:

Moi aussi.

MARK. That dust ruffle is hideous. It is also too sheer to effectively hide tupperware bins full of old sewing patterns, and the fact that it is literally just a ruffle (and doesn't have a center "sheet" part) means it is probably falling off all the time.

It really does, doesn't it? I always find it too dry to eat like cake, but dip it in some custard and its so good.

Those starburst candycanes? MY FUCKING JAAAAAAM.

We do peach bellinis or poinsettas unless alcoholic aunt is present, in which case we do stolen sips from a bottle hidden in the pantry.

<3 <3 <3 <3 come sit next to me

This sounds like a dream come to life.

In the spirit of Doge:

This comment just made me laugh/choke at my desk. The deskmate suspects something! CURSES!

Thankfully (!?!) here in Houston I haven't heard a single soul question why he had a gun, just why the tip was off, and why he was pointing it at people. So there's that?

scoops + chili + green onions = prestocaro heaven.

Let's be clear on this right now: If you invite me into your home and serve me mushrooms from your home log, I'm not eating them.