It's so hard. I'm sorry.

That is both adorable and terrifying at the exact same time.

Do feathers count?

I am so sorry, friend. That breaks my heart. :( He looks like he was a wonderful muffin.

My fur baby when she actually was a baby (circa 2009).

My new baby....Midnight....aka adventure girl

I’m sorry, did your vagina not immediately hermetically seal itself when he said Trump would be a good president?

I’m watching Gossip Girl on Netflix and eating some kick ass macaroni and cheese while I contemplate getting another tattoo. It’s the little things in life, y’all.

We tend to have the opposite problem. What we do and say is almost always face value and sometimes not even meant to be taken seriously so we don’t read anything into anything women do when they expect us to. We’re not dense people. We’re so, so easy to decipher that you think it can’t possibly be that way. But it is.

I’ve never had an experience with self-checkout that didn’t raise my blood pressure.

I hate self checkout unless I am buying 3 things. If you are shopping for a family of 4, there is no way you’d use self checkout when you are doing your weekly grocery shopping. Fuck you robot cashier! I put that shit in the god damned bag, why are you saying I didn’t? Asshole.

That’s what I do: When I want to see Americans speaking English, I go to a kebab shop.

I had this happen when I volunteered at my daughter’s school for picture day. I was no-makeup, hair in a bun, baggy sweatshirt, and 33 goddamn years old. A teacher came up to me and said “Whose class are you in, sweetie?”

First day of preschool, I showed every damn person in the building the new Minnie Mouse underwear I was wearing.

What has the curve in the middle of this G done for you lately? Bye Felicia.

(Stripper Mom, Panty Dropper, and Busted Rubber being among them)

Hollywood: where you gotta be at least 27 to play a high schooler but no older than 25 to play a 30something.

I’m the opposite. Calling it a “Real-Tor” makes them sound like some sort of robot or barbarian.

Same, because whoever Franzen is as a person (and I honestly don’t know much about him), I still enjoyed The Corrections. And I’m probably not going to read Jennifer Weiner’s book. I read Good in Bed and borderline disliked it. Which is not to say that there are not female authors who I love. Like, Margaret Atwood is…