I’ve never had an experience with self-checkout that didn’t raise my blood pressure.

I hate self checkout unless I am buying 3 things. If you are shopping for a family of 4, there is no way you’d use self checkout when you are doing your weekly grocery shopping. Fuck you robot cashier! I put that shit in the god damned bag, why are you saying I didn’t? Asshole.

That’s what I do: When I want to see Americans speaking English, I go to a kebab shop.

I had this happen when I volunteered at my daughter’s school for picture day. I was no-makeup, hair in a bun, baggy sweatshirt, and 33 goddamn years old. A teacher came up to me and said “Whose class are you in, sweetie?”

First day of preschool, I showed every damn person in the building the new Minnie Mouse underwear I was wearing.

(Stripper Mom, Panty Dropper, and Busted Rubber being among them)

Hollywood: where you gotta be at least 27 to play a high schooler but no older than 25 to play a 30something.

Same, because whoever Franzen is as a person (and I honestly don’t know much about him), I still enjoyed The Corrections. And I’m probably not going to read Jennifer Weiner’s book. I read Good in Bed and borderline disliked it. Which is not to say that there are not female authors who I love. Like, Margaret Atwood is…

The director of portable toilet company Andyloos remarked that this was not a particularly rare occurrence. “It does happen quite a bit to be honest—I’ve done it a few times.”

If this is teleporting, then never mind. NO NOT WANT.

This just in:

Apparently it’s been a while since I’ve seen a photo of Kathy Griffin.

That's my deal, too. I'm waiting for the right person.

I’m telling myself that it’s because I have “high standards”.

They dealt with a lot of stuff. Teen pregnancy, gay marriage, etc.

I am also into the glittery jumpsuit, but not the jacket. I’d wear it with a sensible blazer, like a professional.

Okay, so, over the past couple of months we’ve had Scary Cancer Badtimes in my family. First my mother told me she’s been receiving cancer treatment, then my sister had a cancer scare, then I was told my mum was having genetic screening to see if my sister and I are at risk.

a) My mum just finished her last round of…

I do self imposed cabin fever until I break. Then I go to the grocery store. Which sometimes is worse than the club.

Don’t take a job as an executioner then. Don't like the changes to your job? Can't in good conscience do them? Step the fuck down.

Oh, the Supreme Court? The Supreme Court that ruled that gay marriage was legal? That Supreme Court? Good luck with that, you ignorant fuck.