A cop once didn’t give my friend a ticket because I gave him my phone number.

I need to learn how to eyeliner, but I can’t seem to do it no matter what. I’ve tried different types (liquid, pencil, etc.) to see if there’s a magic one for me, but I ssuucckk. I’ve gotten passable at doing the eye that matches my handedness, but I can’t do the other one to save my life so I just forego it since you…

I think they’re mostly generally just people unfriendly. It’s just not set up for each person’s individual needs, right? it’s more about the marketing. Like if they had said these hotels were “lady-centric” or “women-focused,” fine. My good gay friends often stay in places that just sort of subtly cater to their needs…

As one who is pubic style challenged, I’d rather attend a workshop on Hair Styling, Downstairs.

I was reading a travel fashion blog while prepping for a heavy walking europe trip and she RAVED about Supergas. I’m SUPER TEMPTED, but those free people heels are calling me name. (The supergas are way more in line with my lifestyle but strappy sandals)

My kids think I’m the best if they get a Little Debbie cosmic brownie in their lunches. #lowstandards #refinedsugarforthwin #bestmomevah #bettereatyourveggiestonight

I would do this. I CAN do this. I have a degree in culinary arts. My kids Do Not Want. I have tried and tried. They give zero fucks and want spaghettios. Their idea of an amazing treat is cupcakes from the store. they do a dance and everything.

Not directly related, but I just wanted to add that she seems like such a wonderful mommy.

Better him than Yoko!

Don’t even think about asking hospital ER workers to start cataloging foreign objects....

This made me cry I am laughing so goddamn hard.

Also, huge congrats on the quitting smoking. It’s so. fucking. hard.

hahaha I like that he offered to retrieve it for her. Thrifty! No need to waste 43 cents.

you forgot loose tobacco confetti....my purse is full of that, always.

Just imagine snuggling with your paramour later. “Why does your hair smell like dirty pennies? Is that lotion-soaked bus transfer stuck to your neck?”

I hope that is a brand new bag on Anne’s head, because God knows I wouldn’t want the dirt, sparkles, crumbs, etc. that line my purse bottom falling into my hair. Ew.

Kat Dennings, you are wrong. Step to my punk-as-fuck teen self rocking the SLC Punk! white-thermal-under-white-tee action.

The minute I found out that Lena Dunham was on Twitter I was just like WHO CARES

Yup. Turkey bacon is an abomination.

nature is trying to tell you to eat normal bacon