VERGARA: “Like Tutankhamen. A mummy. You still have time to do all of that.”

I wish I could be onboard with this but I’m one of those people for whom cilantro tastes like soap. :( Can I get your guac sans cilantro? I acknowledge that this will make it the world’s second best recipe...

That’s pretty typical behavior at that age - they don’t understand death or cruelty the way adults do. Or should. It was probably like tossing away a toy in her mind. Not a living creature. I would talk to her about it but not make a huge thing about it.

I had to find a visual. Technically a meatball necklace with spaghetti dress but whatevs.

Oh man. I really want that now.

That probably would be better than whatever monstrosity she’s going to turn up in this time.

Big Sean seems like a big twat.

IDk why, exactly, but I don't like him and I'm glad they broke up. I'm hoping the bag is full of his personal affects she no longer wants in her damn house. Had to write his name on the bag as she's passing it off to a mutual friend.

Right? The only crimes I’ve committed post-breakup include bodily harm like eating a village’s weight in ice cream while listening to Fiona Apple and sobbing so hard I lose eyesight for a week. Also angry blogging.

Birth control should be in vending machines. Everywhere. For Free.

I’m So Sorry That I Didn’t Know What a Beachy Wave Was Until Today

8. Beachy waves

Yes. She is Kardashian-adjacent.

Haha. Do you know how hard it was growing up in Alabama and trying to find a guy who wasn't into that shit?? Stay far away.

Wait... Can’t wear tight OR loose clothing? HOW CAN ANYONE WIN AT THIS GAME?

“ Students must not wear clothing that is tight, loose, baggy, not baggy, long, short, pleated, flat or clothes,”

Not that this has anything to do with the systemic issue of sexualizing 5 year old girls, but my high school did have a male-specific dress code rule: Guys weren’t allowed to show their bare arms, because, as the principle once put it, “Testosterone and stuff.”

I need minions to do my photoshopping. My time is mainly taken up being dazzling.

I am TERRIBLE at doing my hair. I have ultrathin, flat hair that doesn’t hold a curl or hairspray or product very well at all. I can do three things: 1) leave it down (it gets really flat really quickly) 2) put in an anemic pony tail 3) put it in a tiny topknot IF my hair is cooperating and I have time to fuck up a…

My dad and I have the same birthday. He still forgets