#thanksforsayingitforme

I don't always, but when I do, it's because the pooping muscles were ejecting the tampon anyway.

#thingsionlysayonline

"Hmm... not as filling as I thought."

The older I get the more absolutely fucking angry douche bags like this make me. This joke, not funny. His schtick, not funny. The fact that the majority of the time, I will be viewed as the one without a sense of humor for not finding any of this bullshit funny, not fucking funny.

I guess you could put your meat in my mouth because it's not like I'd be talking with my mouth full.

I just read in the NY Times that this nurse and her family hadn't been identified, per the request of the family, for obvious reasons.

Thank god he was so stupid.

My fiancé called to tell that he got married, as I sat on the bed, looking at my wedding gown.

I got this.

Things hadn't been going well with Mr. JackAss for a couple months, but I had decided to stick through it during the holidays. Then, one afternoon, he offered to let me drive his Jeep. I shifted over to the driver's seat as he walked around to the other side. I adjusted the seat, and checked the mirrors as…

This is how my dad broke up with my mom when they were still teenagers. It should be noted that they did get back together, get married, and eventually had a long overdue divorce for which everyone is better off.

My freshman year of college, I made the mistake of dating a very serious born-again Christian. (I was raised both Catholic and Unitarian Universalist, I'm not sure what he was doing in the relationship either.)

This was not my proudest moment, but when I got dumped by a guy who had sworn eternal love just long enough to hook me and then stomp on my heart, I called a florist, had them cut the heads off a dozen long-stemmed roses and deliver the wrapped-with-a-ribbon box of stems to the asshole during a long business meeting…

Didn't know what Prince Jackson had been up to. Disappointed that it wasn't med school.

Word to that adopting a cat tweet. Both times I adopted, I was doing paperwork for an hour, including getting references.
Not completely complaining though. I'm glad they don't send home pets to just anyone.

If by higher power you mean gravity and inertia, Willow, only a few idiots question that.

"how come every one on this planet knows we're just a floating sphere in space and still questions the existence of a higher power."

I laughed out loud at "I don't know if you are keeping track of the ladies sports world." BURN.

her sign off IS fabulous. you go, girl.

note to self: find a journalist father. change.org/yesjcrewcane

I'm going to compare other celebrities to grains: