I'm stuck in a looooong meeting, so your terror = my entertainment. I apologize.

Even worse, just imagine all the places that snake decided to check out BEFORE finding the bathroom.

What if it had laid eggs behind the spare towels under the sink!?!?

Do you think there's some sort of "man bites dog" sensationalism at play here? I feel like all the stable, kind-hearted, yet judiciously assertive TV moms fade into the background - boring placeholders that serve as an anchor to other characters' antics. In particular, I'm thinking of Jane Kaczmarek (Malcom in the…

You got it, the "unrequited hate" cake. Very popular item.

Here's a fun thing to try if you ever feel like getting fired:

Haha, "spite cake". I love it. In fact, this will be the name of my future bakery: Spite Cakes, "for when you want to sweetly say something horrible."

Oh God, you're so right about the church crowd. If Jesus were to come back and ask me, personally, if he thought the human race was worth saving from the inevitable heat death of our universe, I'd take him to a motherfucking Applebee's or Chili's on a Sunday afternoon.

People do this with side salads too. They'll just keep asking for additional veggies/cheese in string-order fashion to try to cover up the fact that they're pulling an ol' bait and switch.

Yes, small cakes that you can't really eat with a fork. Call me fastidious, but I don't snacks should require clean-up.

Sorry, I don't subscribe to cupcake culture. They're difficult to eat cleanly because of their shape and frosting. And who wants to spend time licking frosting off of one's own fingers? Not me - highly unsanitary. Plus, cupcakes are too cutesy. Even the name, spoken aloud, drains my testosterone just a little bit.

Bakery = breakfast. Breakfast = coffee.

I bet you're nothing but an armchair, lazy-ass, undergraduate level feminist. All I have to say is this: come at me bro!

You're...welcome?

What the hell is it with people who contort their mouths into little face-anuses (anusii?). Do they think that's attractive? Or is it some sort reverse body dysmorphia that gradually sets in after staring at yourself in the mirror for hours upon hours?

+1 regrettable decision

This is my number one rule with names: make it versatile.

Parents, hear this: don't stick your kid with a porn name. It's just bad luck.

Of course, everyone's free to name their kid what they want; I'm also free to judge them for their poor taste.

Yes! "Jaxon" is another one of contrived names that grates my nerves.