My wife and I had been separated for, oh Jesus, I’m not sure how long. I had stayed back East while she took a job with some hotshot Japanese company in L.A. We decide we’re gonna give things one last chance before the divorce so I fly out there. Her company’s Christmas party is in progress when I arrive, so I head…

I have the worst of both worlds: I used to be an EMT so I have to administer all the kid’s medicines (as if the ability to put a bandage on someone’s cut and then drive fast to a shitty rural hospital somehow turned me into Chief of Emergency Surgery at Johns Hopkins today), but then my wife second-guesses me…

Pup, Phil and Sugar Cane are all partners in the same firm as the Texas law hawk.

“HEY MACKELMORE, SEE THIS DICK? WHOSE DICK IS THAT? THAT’S RIGHT, THAT’S CARSON PALMER’S BIG SWINGIN’ DICK.”

haha i do not. we were out with friends on Inks Lake, just hanging out on the boat and swimming some. i strategically swam 25 yards away from everyone else and just let it rip. 9/10 highly recommend, especially if you were in distress like i was

I wanted to do a direct quote but it just wasn’t gonna work

It feels so good to be back here at the Dexter Lake Club...

You don’t know what their politics are on an individual level but dismissing a huge swath of the American population merely because you don’t agree with them on some of issues. But rest assured, they’re likely equally dismissive of your views. And this right here is the fundamental problem with politics in America.

We should just flood the internet with Vines of people flipping things in front of Rangers fans for the rest of the offseason.

From my apartment here in Toronto, I can confirm that the entire city is now pregnant as a result of that bat flip

US - “Yeah, sure, it would be cool to host a World Cup again. Been a while. Whatevs.”

It’s not exclusive to any race at all. This is a false notion that needs to die right now. You are displaying classic avoidance. “This is exactly the response I would have expected.” “Your post proves my point.”

It's California except 300 grand buys you 3000+ square foot house, pool and an acre, not a 400 square foot studio.

>(I am a new-age dipshit and gun-toting loon btw. And I constantly complain about immigration)

Arizona: It’s California Without The Good Stuff!™

Scottsdale is OC, Phoenix is the 909 without the charm.

Come on now, Cardinals fans can’t hate Glendale anywhere near as much as that Coyotes fan right?

Just enough time to hit the Ballmer Peak?

Perfect timing on this. I’m 36, and we have a 17 year old intern at work. I dropped a reference to “Commando” a couple weeks ago, and it was totally lost on him. So this week, I put these on his desk.