Even more disheartening are the recent photos revealing his stance on bunting.

Man, they must have a fantastic coach. His players are so goddamn motivated they'll tear themselves a new asshole when they make reckless plays.

There was something lost in translation: he actually said he was listening to Tori Amos.

To be fair, it was a Trader Joe's.

Theory: Vaccines cause autism.

Activate: MALE GAZE.

Surf in California, tour with Phish, traipse through Europe...Christ, how can anyone afford to do all this shit without winning the lottery like four times?

The suspect's lawyer is asking for parole if only so his client can wear an Ankiel monitor.

You have to laugh at a guy who tries to be all "unique" and "different," yet decides to commit murder in Chicago on 4th of July weekend.

That's just a prison tat to show that he likes Pujols.

I'm not calling the guy a bad parent, but the World Cup "coincidentally" allowed him to miss his daughter's 8th grade, high school, AND college graduations.

So, the anti-gambling agency just bet everything against Germany?

haha where the fuck did that come from?

Or this:

HI. MY NAME IS DREW. I WRITE COLUMNS FOR DEADSPIN, GAWKER, ETC, BUT YOU CAN FIND MY HOTTEST TAKES, ON EVERYTHING FROM PARENTHOOD TO RIPPING ASS, ON AMAZON.COM. THAT'S RIGHT, THIS IS A PLUG. GET YOURSELF A PRIME MEMBERSHIP AND READ UP ON "THE HATERS GUIDE TO EBAY, BARNES & NOBLE, AND EVERY OTHER PIECE OF SHIT WEB…

That's the ugliest fucking bow tie I've ever seen.

Pictured: Greg Howard dressed in drag

"Five transcendent, joyful stars! [Kisses fanciful finger gesture and "releases" into air] "
-Sao Paolo Picayune critic/gadabout Sequinho

KEN MERTZ