Continue doing what you’ve always done? How is it, then, that none of those links take me to Bear Scratching His Balls?

BYSTANDER: Oh shit, it’s a fucking bear-
BYSTANDER: [remembers the enormity of Jay Cutler’s contract]
BYSTANDER: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
BYSTANDER: [remembers that Jay Cutler will retire and then die someday, not soon, but it will happen nevertheless]
BYSTANDER: Oh, he’s okay.

This is goddamn unnecessary. Rovell sings his wondrous tweets to random children at the park every Saturday between 1 and 4.

ANNOUNCER, AT PODIUM: ... and with the 143rd overall pick, Prince George selects Jackson Jackson.

+1

[blows on fingernails, dramatically]

Fredi Gonzalez scoffs at how long it took St. Louis to get to five losses.

+1

St. Louis has officially changed their mascot to the Caucasians, or “Caucs” for short.

+1

+1

Please don't give the keys to the ship back to Petchesky et al.

+1

Quinn continued by saying, “our organization is an equal opportunity employer; all of our players have an equal opportunity to horrendously fuck up come playoffs time.”

+1

Ha!

MILO

And to think that this is merely the first of two interviews the Cowboys require before signing a player.

+1