Tomorrow’s Friday!

“I mince garlic ... not words. Also, I leave my guns and live ammunition lying around on picnic tables and I love my toddler, who may very well maim herself while I’m tweeting latent racism to collegiate football players but anyway #GoBucks.”

This is great and all, but sadly, Cuttino got ticketed yesterday for parking his sleigh and reindeer within 20 feet of a fire hydrant.

+1

[dying]

This is very good. +1

Big deal. Over in Europe something like 300 ostriches are riding bicycles in a roundabout fashion from Holland all the way to Paris.

When reached for comment, Floyd dodged, then weaved, then danced around for about forty minutes, then kinda batted the question away, smiled a lot, and received the award anyway for some fucking reason.

+1

I Know What You Did Last Summer, But It Was Dark So I May Not Know What You Did Last Summer, But In Any Case If You Tell Your Parents About What You Did Last Summer, I’ll Kill Your Fucking Family

This show took place on my fifteenth birthday. I wasn't at the show or anything. I was probably doing trig homework. In any case, happy fifteenth birthday to me.

TO: FSU Football Players
FROM: Jimbo Fisher, Head Football Coach
RE: Bars Now Off Limits

Bob Roll: I love these stages through Dutch cow country, Phil. The trees, the rolling hills, and yes, that fresh dairy air.

... there came a tapping at the glass
and quothe the big bear:
“WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET SOME REAL GODDAMN WEIGHT MACHINES IN HERE AND CHRIST THE SMOOTHIE BARISTA ONLY SERVES UP RAW STEAKS, WHICH, FINE, WHATEVER, BUT LORD HOW ABOUT A BANANA EVERY NOW AND THEN?”

I’m a very important content and advertising designer at one of the most prolific corporations in America, Tom. I’ve drafted and brought to fruition some of the more memorable attempts to part you, the consumer, with your means of consumption, your money. My work has been featured during Super Bowl halftimes, World…

Ever a wit even to the end, Stabler asked to be photographed alongside Jason Pierre Paul’s hospital bed.

In an even more shocking turn of events, Governor Haley inserted a rider mandating that an ISIS dildo flag be raised in its place.

Love this. +1

“I’ve spoken with Native Americans across this great country. Two, in particular, really resonated with me. Their names were Tibia and Fibula from the Snapcreek Nation, and they just shattered me with their enthusiasm for the name. Absolutely cracked me up.”

I’m at DeAndre’s house right now and except for the gun and eighteen sticks of dynamite Steve Ballmer’s holding this whole party is pretty chill.