Sorry. I have three kids and I’m training for a marathon. My body is all kinds of fucked up and I’m impervious to your shame.

No love for Fazolis?

Every motherfucker that voted for him in 2016 that died of old age in the last three years has been replaced by a then- 15-year-old who can’t wait to vote against him. He knows there’s no chance he’ll make up that 1.5%, which was an anomaly to begin with.

3,854,833. Splinter in tongue from using wooden spoon to eat chocolate malt. 

As a 41-year-old Dad, Facebook’s algorithm has decided to place New Balance ads in my feed purely to fuck with my head. Not just any New Balance shoe, either. These are the classic white ones typically worn by an overweight 57-year-old with calf-high white socks and sweet pair of cargs as he mows the lawn.

I try to coach my kids to understand that one bad play, one questionable call or any other singular event during a game cannot be blamed for the outcome. There’s always a lot more to the story than the scapegoat. Buckner, Denkinger, Bartman are easy targets to put all the blame on and ignore all the other plays of the…

This story is udderly nuts. 

Pick some random D-3 school with a name like “Lesterworth” or “East Iowa of Purdue” and just become a fucking obnoxious diehard fan; one who calls into local radio shows even though it’s a time zone away and who eventually alienates his friends and family with this obsession that isn’t any more idiotic than rooting…

Dammit, if he were just wearing tactical sunglasses I would have had bingo.

Like Tammy Lahren, she serves a purpose.

Pope Thrower is the greatest combination of words I have ever heard. Just picturing someone heaving the pope Karelin-style has brought me such joy in these dark, troubled times.

This is the kind of story that my 65 year old mother-in-law will see on Fox News and, sans context, will use as a reason to chastise me every time she hears about our family using an Uber ever again.

All jokes aside, if that ball was two inches to the right it hits his jugular and kills him, right?  Jesus.  

I’ve learned that there’s a wide disparity in the meaning of the words “graphic video.”  For anyone who hasn’t watched yet, this is towards the “I can’t eat lunch now” end of the spectrum.  How awful.  

Serious question: Is there really a plane of existence in the universe where you can get a beer at an MLB game for less than $6? Even here in the midwest at Royals games we pay almost $11 for a can of American Swill, and $12 and up for a decent microbrew.

Everyone associated with this administration is despicable on some level, from merely being a spineless yes-man to a cluelessly destructive dipshit policymaker.

Back in the day before Twitter my buddies and I used to pose stupid bar-argument questions like “how much would it cost for you to take a punch from Mike Tyson in his prime?”

I call BS. Curt Schilling is not in the Hall of Fame.

About two years ago I was at one of those big indoor soccer facilities where my 6-year-old son was running drills with his team. I had gone to get a bottle of water or something, and as I was coming back I walked past a practice field where the 13-14 year old team was playing. As I was passing by, a kid took an errant…