Damn it Drew! It’s too early for an edible, which would make this 1000% funnier than I already predict it will be.

Oh, go fuck off with this stupid, tired take.

Mike Francesca, Trump, a middle-school doofus farting his way through an oral report on a book he forgot to read.  They all sound identical.

Didn’t UVA score something like 45 points in regulation in its last game? It was one of the few college basketball games I’ve seen this year and it was hardly watchable. Especially when you’re so used to the NBA.

So what? I failed to get 69 out of my wife last night and you don’t see that on the front page of Deadspin.

That 911 is clearly an example of a husband “trying” to sell the car that his wife has been complaining about taking up space in the garage for years.

Do you remember that time? You know, when you were the press secretary for the president? Yeah. That was awesome. 

Death penalty. Burn it to the fucking ground.

Some quality stuff there, sure. But I don’t think anything will ever top this (probably apocryphal) Best Of Craigslist story. I die laughing every time I read this:

Update: Tent smells like mildew.  Should have dried it out better before packing it up after last summer’s camping trip.

I’m going to start calling my wife “Mother” just to see how long it takes her to kick me out of the house and file separation papers.

“Great, only three inches of the cake is usable, too?”

I have long hair for a dude. The other day, I ate at a Chinese restaurant and had a little piece of food stuck between a couple of molars that was bothering the hell out of me and I had forgotten to grab a toothpick. I ran my fingers through my hair and pulled out a strand of hair and used it—successfully—as floss.

Should have learned from this lady.

They’re all lucky they didn’t play a starring role in “Arrowhead Acrobat, Redux.”

Suspending his account in deference to national security would be the most patriotic thing Twitter could do at this point.

I want to laugh at that video and make jokes about Donald Trump’s America, but the lady holding the kid just makes me want to curl up and cry.

Yeah, I fucked this up and don’t know how to edit or delete it. I feel shame.

Time for my weekly check-in at the ol’ Alma Mater!

Every dumbfuck fan who calls into sports radio shows thinks that their MLB or NFL team would be better-off if it were managed by a fan or an industry outsider.