My wife just asked me why “fred smoots dong” was in my browser’s search bar.

Hey, don’t bring the Catholic Church into this!

As a father of three boys, I often wonder why these shitheads’ dads don’t beat the everloving fuck out of them when they find out what they’ve done.

A few years ago I turned 34 on Easter Sunday, and it led to the most serendipitous Facebook post I’ve ever done:

Trainer: “I don’t feel a pulse!”

Why did you overlay a gif of the arctic sea ice growing and retreating on his forehead?

I’m just mesmerized by how you were able to overlay a gif of the Arctic sea ice growing and retreating on his forehead.

It’s a good thing Ditka’s father used corporal punishment. Otherwise that guy might have turned into some kind of asshole.

Great. You found the pandas.

“People are dumb, but not THAT dumb.”

I’m 99% sure that this week’s poop story is a complete fabrication, but I still laughed my ass off.

I can’t believe someone would vandalize one of Dr. Suess’s early works of sculpture.

It seems like far more work to slightly rewrite a press release—changing a word here and there, combining a phrase, changing “3” to “three” or thinking up a new adjective or verb to use—than it would be to just write the fucking thing in the first place.

I'll bet he wishes he could take it back.

I’m glad to see that ESPN is evolving on this issue.

Congratulations to Sweeney, even if the emerging trend of viralizing scholarship offers is cloyingly self-congratulatory coming in a sport whose business model relies on its unilateral insistence that scholarships are sufficient compensation for monetizable labor, while these stunts also manage to serve as reminders…

As a Mizzou grad, I’ve had to listen to the University of Kansas bitch and moan about how we left the rivalry, and use it as justification for why they won’t schedule us anymore. Seeing that they were just as actively searching for greener pastures themselves? I’d like to give Jayhawk Nation a great big ‘ol heapin’…

Toddlers, pre-teens, what’s the difference?

Man. Joel Osteen looks fat in that picture.

Well, duh. White people!