The only thing I can say I’ve learned in this life is every family is different. Without knowing everything, it can’t hurt to reach out—but keep expectations low. Maybe it will be a lovely moment. Maybe it won’t, and that’s okay.

“You’re fried.”

I relish a good condiment pun.

He’ll have a real chip on his shoulder about it.

Not very many stars, people mustard this one before.

You’re poutine me on!

Now that this story is public, he’ll never ketchup in the polls.

“in certain organizations and certain jobs you give up that right of your freedom of speech temporary [sic] while you serve that job”

Many of those statements were about the manner and variety of dicks he believes me to be interacting with.

In my Survival Pool someone is named Demaryius Targaryen.

My fantasy team is called “David Roster Flawless.”

He-he’s black... *whimpers* he’s bald!

This is fucking fabulous. I have never loved Deadspin more.

This is seriously awesome. You’re carrying on the Gawker Media tradition of doing smart, challenging, in your face work. Keep it up.

Comet ‘ actually a pretty underrated channel. They air both versions of Outer Limits, marathons of Jeremiah and Dead Like Me every week, and old Godzilla movies every Friday. They also have the rights to the various Stargate series.

High Fidelity holds up very well as a Chicago movie, though with each viewing, all the characters (especially John Cusack’s) get less and less likable.

During this special time of the year, Sunday afternoons become the best time of the week to run around town and do errands. You will save a ton of time normally spent in traffic and dodging assholes in the store. They're all watching football.

1 p.m. — Turn off the TV and speak with your family

The Blues Brothers is not as good as you remember it