On the bright side, this probably gave Kinky Friedman a good idea for a new country song.

“The colonel [Anna Merlan] returned with a sack used to bring groceries home. [Sh]e spilled many human ears on the table. They were like dried peach halves. There is no other way to say this. [Sh]e took one of them in [her] hands, shook it in our faces, dropped it into a water glass. It came alive there. I am tired of…

Dude, it’s honesty week. Not cool.

I’m not a gynecologist or an economist, but I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to keep cash in your vagina.

Ah, I forgot Paranoid. That’s a pretty good one.

What the hell is going to be on ABC this fall? Just AoS and Shark Tank?

While this sounds like a good idea, I doubt this will do much: if anything, it will feed the anti-vaxers’ paranoia that this is some sort of government conspiracy.

I just did some quick math and figured out that the alleged $93 million payout to victims is enough to cover the estimated total cost of attending Penn for about 3100 students or pay the median wage for over 34,000 adjunct-taught courses. Or I guess it could pay for a couple of years of the athletic program.

That guy second from the right in the front row really should go see a doctor about all that necrotic tissue in his muscles.

No, you’re looking at it upside down. It’s just a map of the Dallas/Fort Fort Worth Metroplex freeway system:

I can think of only 4 songs by Black Sabbath/Ozzy that I like:

Ozzy Osbourne looks more like a frumpy old Women’s Studies professor every year.

Son of a bitch.

My joke about Kristen Stewart’s Girlfriend’s coffee cup got like a million likes. Still in the grey.

Pshaw. Michael Phelps eats like 10,ooo calories a day and looks great in a swimsuit.

I smell a new “500 days of...” feature brewing oh wait that’s just a banana I forgot was in my backpack.

Yes, getting her dressed is the most adorably infuriating thing in my life. The good thing is, society’s expectations for dads are so minimal that just getting my kids out of the house in more than just a diaper gets me praised as some kind of superhero.

Or fashion tips for toddler/preschool-age girls:

Please don’t anybody tell her about the Hootie and the Blowfish album title Cracked Rearview.

Yeah, it’s like a rejected short from V/H/S 4: The Rewindening