I paid literally 20 dollars for my most recent smartphone. It’s a piece of shit, and the screen is cracked, but it’s a smartphone for 20 bucks.

A few suggestions for pregame songs:

Carly Fiorina: “I Remember California”

Cruz should be “Ignoreland”

I’m concerned that it’s 2015 and people’s knee-jerk reaction to anything ugly from the South is “hur, hur Deliverance.”

Or Judith.

Does Star Trek: TNG’s “The Game” count?

Whoa, I just realized that assuage is an anagram of sausage. That’s my takeaway.

I agree. Those grapes up there were probably sour.

Don’t blame me: I voted for every school that did not have a state in its name, plus Western Michigan University because they have the world’s greatest open bar party for Medievalists in the world.

Is there a way to make this into a somewhat heavy-handed musing on consumerism and postmodern masculine anxiety?

STOOGE: What about the cheesy bread? Can we have the Cheesy Bread?

I’m confused: the only noun that “they” can refer back to is “BJs” (I don’t think an apostrophe should ever be used for pluralization, not even of initialisms, I’m sorry, that’s just how I feel). How can a BJ laugh, unless it is a person named BJ, and what is this reporter doing with more than one person named BJ, and…

What is the word that was [unintelligible] was “unintelligible”? I mean, that would make sense, right?

That’s the hoax.

One other thing is that all this shitting on Dallas really distracts us from rightfully shitting on the awful cesspool of awfullness that is Arlington, Texas, the city that not only believed that it was in their best interest to build a gaudy whorehouse for a bad satire of a character from Dallas at public expense,…

#lazygradstudentgenocide

I mean, if I could only number the stars that this deserves....

Here’s the thing: no one hates Dallas as much as Texans who don’t live in Dallas hate it. And the closer you get to Dallas, the more hateful it becomes. Until you move into the city limits, at which point you become infected with whatever horrible brain-devouring parasite is in their water system.

My sister once referred to the snowman I had so carefully crafted from the meager snow that fell in North Texas as a “snow chicken.”