Mystery Hole is fun because they don’t take the tour seriously at all, until they suddenly DO!  It’s all silly jokes but then they want you to totally believe gravity is altered in that one, obviously diagonal room.  It’s a blast

“Their permit is still in the works,” Kuczmanski told BuzzFeed. “We’re asking for documentation.”

Regarding #2 on your list, if you ever go white-water rafting in the New River in WV, it is soooo worth it to find The Mystery Hole.   Actual name and not a euphemism.

Shut the fuck up, Tomato.

 You're a laughable person who'll never be relevant enough to get a milkshake to your face. 

When I was in the Arabian Sea in 2002, enforcing the UN Blockade on Iraq, I had an incident one night where a dhow (small fishing boat) drifted too close to my warship. It was lighted but apparently unmanned from what we could tell, and was dead in the water and adrift.

Use a vegan milkshake because that crowd loves to freak out about the word vegan. It'd make them extra angry.

Supporting evidence:

I mean, compared to all the rest of the criminal acts and corruption, it really isn’t a “big deal”, if you think about it. It’s petty and stupid, but that’s Trump. If anything we should be far more concerned with the active harm he’s doing all over - but, hey, maybe Republicans will at least pretend to care about this…

Is this satire?

Hey, Mexico! Wanna trade presidents?!?

If only we had a primary election with a wide field of candidates instead of having to settle for Biden...

“Ma’am I dont care if your father was John McCain. Im not allowed to bring you any more cheddar biscuits unless you order an entree”

“You will lead soldiers in combat. It will happen. Some of you may even be called upon to serve in this hemisphere.” 

I went to an outdoor concert once in extreme summer heat, and I got dosed, presumably by one of the several people “helpfully” spraying water on fellow concertgoers to cool us down.

North Korea, now that's a place with a great southern border!

Its the “I didn’t know I couldn’t do that” line of defense, and it seems to have worked for them in the past. 

Some interesting things in the linked article, when asked who they’d vote for in the primary: