They will feel the burn!!

He should have tweeted Mark Ruffalo!

Yeah A-list on Southwest Airlines is like being the world's tallest midget

Real nice way to treat an A-list. I'll be sure to tweet about it,

Southwest has offered Watson a $50 voucher as a good-will gesture, he said, but he plans to donate it to charity.

Uh that's the coolest birthday party theme ever!

He's the Charlie Brown of gross pervert would be kidnappers: "I can't even kidnap right!"

Driving fast in unaffordable cars on a public road. Instead of...I don't know, getting it stuck in a hedgerow or something like safe people do?

"I'm the Joffrey Baratheon of spiders."

Damn. You wanna go all "Crassus on the Appian Way," huh?

I lack confidence in the ability of my low flow toilets to kill it, and would live in fear of butt bites.

As a transwoman living in Austin, I've visited this establishment and I was thoroughly pleased by their service. I had no issues whatsoever getting a fitting that worked great for me, and the lady kept bringing bras until we found one that worked well. That said, it never came up that I was trans, because it really…

Alright people, THIS one you're allowed to get indignant and judgmental about.

"I kept thinking, what if my kids had eaten it?"

Seriously. At that age, most kids are such picky little shits you couldn't pay them to eat anything unfamiliar, let alone a plastic bag full of green stuff. They would probably assume it was stinky vegetables - ewwwww - and toss that shit away.

I almost didn't watch when I saw the video is 16 minutes long. I'm so, so glad I did. Thanks for posting!

Every time Tweet Beat posts a Taylor Dayne tweet, someone posts this video. It gives me the smiles.

This bit is making my very bad day a lot better!

She is perfect.

That Taylor Dayne tweet just reminded me of that amazing story Tig Notaro told on This American Life. One of the best laughs I've ever had. If you're not familiar: